crack open and shine

so, the required time for rainbowing was in fact rather brief. processing was swift and sweet. and so the sky ballet continues. i am this morning considering the infinite ways life cracks open and shines. always, always when you least suspect it! such is the magic of the world.

in less abstractly substantive news, i also find myself this morning at a curious style crossroads. i am wearing a skirt that belonged to a friend's grandmother. one day she wrapped it up and sent it to me via post even though at that time she lived in brooklyn and i lived in manhattan. the accompanying note said she thought it might fit me and that her grandmother had a tremendous spirit and so it might be fitting in that sense as well. she was right on both counts! it is high-waisted and tapers to a flare below the knee. there is a curious weighted ribbon which falls from the inner-front of the bodice. the weighted end of the ribbon (which feels as though it has a coin in it) dangles between my mid-upper thighs. i wonder if i am meant to squeeze it somehow to achieve a certain posture or life in my derriere. (i wonder this every time i wear this skirt, actually.) i probably ought to look this up. but instead, i'll appreciate the mystery and the way it grazes my inner thighs. ahh, the delicious complexity of being a woman and dressing! to borrow from yeats:

'To be born woman is to know --
Although they do not talk of it at school --
That we must labour to be beautiful.'

and the reply:

'It's certain there is no fine thing
Since Adam's fall but needs much labouring.
There have been lovers who thought love should be
So much compounded of high courtesy
That they would sigh and quote with learned looks
precedents out of beautiful old books;
Yet now it seems an idle trade enough.'

anyway, rather than grow quiet at the name of love, i shall continue. i have paired this skirt with strands of chocolate pearls and thoroughly modern shoes (an interesting choice). this felt appropriate as i dressed since i feel as though i'm on the verge of a style revolution. and then some.

season for spices and suppression

the sky out my window today is a sickly grey. the buildings are also grey. decidedly uninspiring. but i have ceased to look to the weather for inspiration.

'tis the season to be thankful. plus, i am being grateful each day (now that's inspiring). today i am thankful for freedom of speech. the lastest supression 'round these parts was the three year sentence handed down to a citizen who was crticial of the shoddy school construction (due to local corruption) in sichuan province that caused the deaths of thousands of children's during the earthquake last year. (the government refuses to release the exact figure for the number of children killed.) huang qi, who assisted parents who lost children in the quake press the local government, was convicted of the illegal possession of state secrets and sentenced to three years. his trial was closed and supporters were barred from entering the courtroom. more here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/world/asia/24quake.html?scp=2&sq=huang%20qi&st=cse

i wonder what the state secrets he possessed were? the truth? or at least a desire to unearth it amid the rubble? people say that the first casualty of any conflict is truth. and, in some sense, the chinese model for developing the current corporate authoritarian state has been creating a sense of constant conflict and completely controlling information. (mr. huang forgot that only the party has the truth here. he will now have a few years to "improve his thinking" while in prison.) the conflicts have shifted over the years - from rightists, capitalist roaders, intellectuals and landlords to foreigners, independent media, the dalai lama and "mastermind" rebiya kadeer. but the essential formula hasn't been altered all that much. of course, why mix up what has been so successful?

speaking of mixing up, i am somehow going to three thanksgiving dinners in four days this weekend. and will be attempting to make pumpkin pie. (my obssessive baking has been tempered by other interests of late.) which has me thinking about spices. i love having them about in the kitchen. even the ones i barely use or buy randomly on a whim. there's a great security in spices. what exactly i'm not sure. variety? freedom of flavour? the safety that when all else has been destroyed you can subsist on oregano and cumin? just looking at the spice rack puts me in a good mood. re-arranging it is downright therapuetic. so i look forward to seasoning the pie on saturday. and maybe making some bread as well. (confession: the other reason for the baking lull is my inability to light my oven without calling the compound mr. fixit (or, as we say, the "master craftsman") to assist. it's really rather embarassing and he thinks i am hopeless. although there really appears to be something wrong with the oven. this is the same fellow who, when i've had to call about computer issues, bruskly enters my flat, gives me the once over and asks, "did you turn it on"? he really thinks i'm not the brightest crayon in the box. but no matter.)

if not the brightest, i am feeling bright despite these grey skies. and, although not graceful, i will bravely return to ballet class this evening. (unless a roasted sweet potato detains me..... tis the season after all.)

on conquering fears, connection, and happiness

there is a school of thought that suggests you should do one thing that scares you each day. i do not subscribe to said school. then again, i do not easily frighten. (or so i tell myself.) i do believe that you should continuously challenge yourself and expand your horizons. which is why i almost ended up in a leotard on a freezing wednesday night in an adult ballet class. oh, i was so prepared. this was a personal challenge i can been considering for some time. i had brought ballet shoes back from my last visit home. i had purchased the leotard last weekend. i had called the studio. i had made evening plans at 9:00 to enable me twirl away the time from 7:00 - 8:30. but there are challenges, and there is happiness. as i was leaving the office, struck by the bite of the cold air, thoughtful, i realized that the idea of changing into a leotard and attempting to dance tonight was not appealing. and that i was hungry. and that the classes would still be offered in the springtime. and that even though i hope that i will be able to find joy in dancing again, i didn't need to find it this week. so i went and ate a roasted sweet potato the size of my face instead. and was very happy with that choice. (eating a warm sweet potato while there is snow on the ground is somehow extra delicious!)

the women's lunch event i spoke at today was quite interesting insofar as it highlighted the importance of connection (and interconnectedness) and mentoring. the connection bit basically came from a fascinating chinese lawyer who had spent many years in the corporate law world, including 11 as the general counsel and then also a VP at a major US corporation in china. she left essentially to find meaning and now spends her time focusing on nature, tibet, the interconnectedness of people, and environmental issues. (if that sounds a little vague, it was.) she uses the connections from her past life to help her in these new endeavours at times and apparently still practices law occasionally. oh and she is also an artist. she just seemed much calmer than everyone else in the room. (and perhaps was subconsciously my inspiration for choosing happiness in the form of sweet potato sustenance this evening.) the mentoring discussion grew out of exchanges about making it professionally as women lawyers. (or just making it professionally at all.) i've long seen the value in mentoring, even if i don't always fully actualize it.

as evidenced by tonights decision not to dance, actualizing the visions of sugarplum faeries we have for ourselves is easier said than done.