so i have decided to be silent for a spell - close this window into me and listen to the sounds of my own inner stillness. i'll resurface in six months or so. that length of time is admittedly arbitrary, but i love plans. even if all of those best laid are only ephemeral illusions of control or gossamer impositions of order. i hope that six months will be sufficient time and space for something. what exactly, i'm not sure.
i tend to think that silence has many sounds, and i hope to observe them all. although this might be a challenge at the moment. i find myself unable to do yoga these days. and not only because lei feng gets in the way. i cannot seem to still my whirring mind and heart enough to practice in any real sense. and even when i try to compel myself to do so, i walk away before i even begin. so much for discipline as freedom.
speaking of lei feng, he seems to be slowly easing into his new life. he may not be a model comrade yet, but i am giving him time. he has one quality which i find completely baffling - he doesn't like beds. he in fact he will not go on the beds in my room or the guest room. this is baffling to me because it echos back to an ongoing debate i had with little trouble. during our many talks about expanding our menagerie of imaginary pets (pangpang the cat, trotsky the pig) to include a real pet, he expressed very hard line views about the places animals can occupy in a home. little trouble's pet policy in fact directly parallels china's "three no's" policy on taiwan. to wit: no taiwan independence; no two chinas or one china, one taiwan; and no taiwan membership in organizations where statehood is required. little trouble's three no's are: no kitties on the bed; no pets in the bedroom; and no kissing pets on the mouth. (i actually agree with little trouble's third "no".) when we would debate this, i argued that cats are independent-minded creatures who cannot be controlled or trained. and they love beds. therefore, i thought that the "no kitties on the bed" line was unrealistic. until i met lei feng. who is, apparently, a non-bed kitty. must be part of the modesty and altruism he has inherited from his namesake.
and with that nonsensical thought, i will say farewell and spare you further musings and magical thinking. i'll sign off with wisdom i once found on a shampoo bottle:
how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end it all comes down to one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
living lei feng
i have adopted a cat. somehow after a few hours in the bitter cold at a shelter past the sixth ring road (which may as well be another province) with a light coating of snow on the ground, i left with a tabby-coloured, long-haired boy whose name at the shelter was jingzhang or policeman. i am now finding that this is a rather surprising turn of events, even though i have been talking about adopting a cat for a matter of months and launched a 'hapless furball campaign'* a few weeks ago. talking is a rather different prospect than having a terrified beast staring down at you from atop the refrigerator. during the unbelievably long taxi ride back from the shelter, i considered new names for my policeman. and i am thinking of calling him lei feng.
lei feng was a soldier in the people's liberation army who was lionized after his death during the 'learn from comrade lei feng' campaign initiated by mao zedong in 1963. lei was characterized as a selfless and modest person who was devoted to the communist party, chairman mao, and the people of china. lei became a symbol of national propaganda and an enduring cultural icon symbolizing selflessness, modesty, and dedication. after mao's death, people began to question lei's life - the feats attributed to him and in particular his purported diary (200,000 words of flowery language primarily praising mao and the party) - were scrutinized. it has been suggested that the diary was a fabrication. indeed, much of lei feng's life may have been fabricated to fit the needs of mao's campaign. during 1964, the campaign shifted from encouraging the youth to learn from comrade lei feng and do good deeds to a cult of mao. for example, lei's diary apparently exhorted young people to "submit unquestioningly to the control of the great leader". chinese leaders since mao have continued to lean on lei feng as a symbol of altruism. zhou enlai, deng xiaoping, and jiang zemin have all written about lei feng. these days the term huo lei feng - living lei feng - describes someone who is seen as selfless or goes out of her or his way to help others. here is a description of lei feng from an editorial published in the people's daily in 1993:
When Lei Feng died in the line of duty, he was only 22, but his short life gives concentrated expression to the noble ideals of a new people, nurtured with the communist spirit, and also to the noble moral integrity and values of the Chinese people in the new period. These are firm faith in communist ideals, political warmheartedness for the party and the socialist cause, the revolutionary will to work arduously for self-improvement, the moral quality and self-cultivation of showing fraternal unity and taking pleasure in assisting others, the heroic spirit of being ready to take up cudgels for a just cause without caring for one's safety, the attitude of seeking advancement and studying hard, and the genuine spirit of matching words with deeds and enthusiastically carrying out one's duties.
i am thinking of calling my policeman kitty lei feng because i realize that i expect equally herculean tasks from him - not to shed too much, to coordinate nicely with my furniture and my art, and, most challenging, to heal my broken heart. poor beast. i am a little concerned that given his performance so far, he is going to be yet another male who disappoints me. although perhaps the policeman's lesson for me is to adjust my great expectations and do my own lei feng living.
though perhaps adopting him was mild altruism. he was, after all, rescued from the shelter. i almost adopted a sweet little girl kitty with one eye and two teeth, but recalled the last time i was looking to adopt a cat and my friends gave me grief for always been drawn to the neediest cases (three-leggeds, one-eyeds, etc). my impulse is always to reach for the creatures most in need of love. lei feng has four legs and two eyes, but so far i have not been able to give him much love. i could have adopted, from a friend-of-a-friend, two sweet little fluffy white kittens named bunny and honey. the six-year-old girl in me leaped with joy at the prospect! and would have promptly renamed them rainbowheartdiamondstarcrystallove (which incidentally was also the name i suggested to my parents for my youngest sister) and snugglemuffin. but i thought the sweet fluffy kittens would have no trouble finding a home. a scruffy three-year-old with skin disease or missing body parts is another story. however, now that my charity case is not accepting my love, i am reconsidering this strategy.
so anyway after a seemingly natural light dusting of snow, it is now coming down heavily and the courtyard outside seems to be getting lost. strange how the overwhelming whiteness can overwhelm the senses if you allow it. i may attempt to wander the muted streets later, leaving fraidy-cat lei feng at home, to appreciate the clean snow and muse about what else this new year might bring.
* 'hapless furball campaign' was the nickname i gave to my plan to adopt some unsuspecting furball to smother with love to ease the pain when things started to get tough with little trouble. unfortunately the campaign soon became overwhelming - i had maybe eight cats being offered to be from strangers and it was too much. (perhaps i have commitment issues of my own.) so i abandoned the campaign and fled to california for christmas. the adult human version of hiding wide-eyed on top of the refrigerator.
lei feng was a soldier in the people's liberation army who was lionized after his death during the 'learn from comrade lei feng' campaign initiated by mao zedong in 1963. lei was characterized as a selfless and modest person who was devoted to the communist party, chairman mao, and the people of china. lei became a symbol of national propaganda and an enduring cultural icon symbolizing selflessness, modesty, and dedication. after mao's death, people began to question lei's life - the feats attributed to him and in particular his purported diary (200,000 words of flowery language primarily praising mao and the party) - were scrutinized. it has been suggested that the diary was a fabrication. indeed, much of lei feng's life may have been fabricated to fit the needs of mao's campaign. during 1964, the campaign shifted from encouraging the youth to learn from comrade lei feng and do good deeds to a cult of mao. for example, lei's diary apparently exhorted young people to "submit unquestioningly to the control of the great leader". chinese leaders since mao have continued to lean on lei feng as a symbol of altruism. zhou enlai, deng xiaoping, and jiang zemin have all written about lei feng. these days the term huo lei feng - living lei feng - describes someone who is seen as selfless or goes out of her or his way to help others. here is a description of lei feng from an editorial published in the people's daily in 1993:
When Lei Feng died in the line of duty, he was only 22, but his short life gives concentrated expression to the noble ideals of a new people, nurtured with the communist spirit, and also to the noble moral integrity and values of the Chinese people in the new period. These are firm faith in communist ideals, political warmheartedness for the party and the socialist cause, the revolutionary will to work arduously for self-improvement, the moral quality and self-cultivation of showing fraternal unity and taking pleasure in assisting others, the heroic spirit of being ready to take up cudgels for a just cause without caring for one's safety, the attitude of seeking advancement and studying hard, and the genuine spirit of matching words with deeds and enthusiastically carrying out one's duties.
i am thinking of calling my policeman kitty lei feng because i realize that i expect equally herculean tasks from him - not to shed too much, to coordinate nicely with my furniture and my art, and, most challenging, to heal my broken heart. poor beast. i am a little concerned that given his performance so far, he is going to be yet another male who disappoints me. although perhaps the policeman's lesson for me is to adjust my great expectations and do my own lei feng living.
though perhaps adopting him was mild altruism. he was, after all, rescued from the shelter. i almost adopted a sweet little girl kitty with one eye and two teeth, but recalled the last time i was looking to adopt a cat and my friends gave me grief for always been drawn to the neediest cases (three-leggeds, one-eyeds, etc). my impulse is always to reach for the creatures most in need of love. lei feng has four legs and two eyes, but so far i have not been able to give him much love. i could have adopted, from a friend-of-a-friend, two sweet little fluffy white kittens named bunny and honey. the six-year-old girl in me leaped with joy at the prospect! and would have promptly renamed them rainbowheartdiamondstarcrystallove (which incidentally was also the name i suggested to my parents for my youngest sister) and snugglemuffin. but i thought the sweet fluffy kittens would have no trouble finding a home. a scruffy three-year-old with skin disease or missing body parts is another story. however, now that my charity case is not accepting my love, i am reconsidering this strategy.
so anyway after a seemingly natural light dusting of snow, it is now coming down heavily and the courtyard outside seems to be getting lost. strange how the overwhelming whiteness can overwhelm the senses if you allow it. i may attempt to wander the muted streets later, leaving fraidy-cat lei feng at home, to appreciate the clean snow and muse about what else this new year might bring.
* 'hapless furball campaign' was the nickname i gave to my plan to adopt some unsuspecting furball to smother with love to ease the pain when things started to get tough with little trouble. unfortunately the campaign soon became overwhelming - i had maybe eight cats being offered to be from strangers and it was too much. (perhaps i have commitment issues of my own.) so i abandoned the campaign and fled to california for christmas. the adult human version of hiding wide-eyed on top of the refrigerator.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
