grace over glamour

so it has been some time. and i feel as though i have lived entire years since my last post. i wonder sometimes whether there is one of me or whether i am multitudes. that sounds horribly self-aggrandizing, but i don't mean it in any self-important or precious sense. i was simply utterly and entirely exhausted after my two weeks in meiguo and found myself wondering how it was possible that all that occurred actually happened in such a short amount of time and that i was there for it all. i honestly don't think i had ever been so tired. of course, i am somehow not sleeping again. i can't ascribe this latest insomnia entirely to any one thing. i am wondering whether i am simply just not a good sleeper anymore. i am writing early on a sunday morning. entirely unglamazon in a robe and with coffee, watching the morning light gather in the courtyard. i've been up more or less since 3:00 am, but finally gave up on trying to sleep around 5:00 or 5:30. went for a walk around houhai to watch the neighbourhood awake. (it's remarkable how many people are out and active at 6:00 am on a sunday in beijing. neighbours letting their dogs play together and chatting away as if it were a tuesday afternoon. intense badminton matches. tourists charging around on hutong tour pedicabs or following loud ladies in tight jeans with too much hairspray waving tour-group flags. workers smoking as if their life depended on it before the heavy lifting starts.) showered. had breakfast. made more coffee. and it's still only 8:00 am and I have four hours until brunch (now lunch). so here i am.

when i first sat down to try to reflect these last few weeks, i became overwhelmed even thinking about trying to express myself or describe those days at all. and yet. i sat for some time watching the blinking cursor, knowing that writing is kathartic for me (even though i don't do all of it here, dear readers). and then i gave up. now, with the skies brightening and the vines climbing up the courtyard walls, maybe i can commence.

the professional opportunity i wrote about in my last post continues to be promising, although not certain. this potential opportunity is all the more enticing after returning to beijing to discover that there are a number of serious threats to our continued capacity to work here. i cannot describe, but was and remain quite alarmed about these challenges. i suspect a transition of some sort will be in store for me before too long regardless of how this particular opportunity unfolds. as usual, i am relying on grace. and remembering that there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. (thanks, leonard cohen.) i am hoping that these cracks will eventually allow for light to flood into my lives and those of my colleagues and the brave women and men committed to legal reform and authentic rights protection in china.

i have been think about grace a great deal these days. and have determined it is more essential to me by far than glamour. although there were some quite glamourous moments during my time away - including wearing a gorgeous bridesmaid gown that made me feel like a grecian goddess and having my hair and makeup professionally done for the first time (amazing!) - there was tremendous, amazing grace. i didn't die in a fire that erupted in the friend's flat i was staying with in nyc (thankfully we weren't there and no one was hurt). a minor surgery went smoothly. i was able to spend time with my beloved nephew, who is a beautiful and brilliant and wondrous child i love so fiercely it's hard to describe. i also had some relaxed time with my parents, sister, and brother-in-law. i saw dear friends in nyc. and i a most beloved sister-friend got married over a weekend that can only be described as magical. i have never seen her (or her also beloved now husband!) so happy. i felt as though i were floating with joy all weekend. so, so much grace.

i realise as i write all of this that i am not documenting the details, the many tumbling moments and stories that i could scoop and pour and shape on this screen. perhaps that's for the best. for now. i have a birthday approaching and am contemplating a new writing project that is related. maybe i'll unfurl it here. maybe not. for now, i am counting my blessings, gracious and graced.

divine accidents

i just spent a weekend celebrating them. divine accidents, that is. with some of my nearest and dearest in napa valley. butting heads against the stars, laughing at the blind incongruous beast called youth, treasuring the intimacy that comes with years and in unexpected moments, intense laughter and endless tears, savouring delicious wines, enjoying the kiss of fresh sunshine, and folding comfortably into the embrace of friendship. it was magic. a most welcome escape from the northern capital. but also a reminder of what really matters. and in a very personal sense, where i have been and where i am going. what it is i seek. what is that, exactly? hmmmm. perhaps the means by which strength and grace combine. that, and a laugh with a friend over a wonderful glass of wine. (is there not overlap?)

returning to being has been an abrupt confrontation with poor air quality and general disappointment in state of things here. that being said, i believe that i have accepted on some level that whatever the conversation was that i began with this city seventeen years ago as a young lass must inevitably be concluded here. and the talk is not complete. and so i stay. and continue the conversation, staring beijing straight in the eye. with all that i abhor about it, the moments i adore, noting my inevitable retreat into the me-within-me and the colourful plumage. life will never come along and make me lower my gaze. perhaps i think about narrative arcs too much. i have been wondering about that of late. (though some would say that it is the thrust of one's narrative that counts, not the accuracy of one's details.)

my thinking about narrative, memories, love, faith, and a sincere, deep delight in life again has me contemplating how to best direct my enthusiasms. eventually it must combine my passions for public justice and performance. although when i look down upon it now, i can see so many possible tributaries, so many possible directions. which is, i suppose, the point of continuing the conversation.

in other news, if may was the month of momentum, i've decided that june is the month of embracing imperfections. after having a recurring dream about a cheeseburger, i found myself last weekend telling a waitress who was querying about dietary restrictions at one of the amazing meals we enjoyed, "i'm allergic to scallops, and i'm a vegetarian.... but i'll take the duck." it was delicious. as were a few bites of steak and cheeseburger the following night. somehow eating meat satiated some other desire that was stirred up a few weeks prior. remarkable, how the body works.

in truth, it's not about momentum, or imperfections, narrative arcs or desires anyway. i am hoping that by july i will be on the path of wu wei - effortless action - and just be.