grace over glamour

so it has been some time. and i feel as though i have lived entire years since my last post. i wonder sometimes whether there is one of me or whether i am multitudes. that sounds horribly self-aggrandizing, but i don't mean it in any self-important or precious sense. i was simply utterly and entirely exhausted after my two weeks in meiguo and found myself wondering how it was possible that all that occurred actually happened in such a short amount of time and that i was there for it all. i honestly don't think i had ever been so tired. of course, i am somehow not sleeping again. i can't ascribe this latest insomnia entirely to any one thing. i am wondering whether i am simply just not a good sleeper anymore. i am writing early on a sunday morning. entirely unglamazon in a robe and with coffee, watching the morning light gather in the courtyard. i've been up more or less since 3:00 am, but finally gave up on trying to sleep around 5:00 or 5:30. went for a walk around houhai to watch the neighbourhood awake. (it's remarkable how many people are out and active at 6:00 am on a sunday in beijing. neighbours letting their dogs play together and chatting away as if it were a tuesday afternoon. intense badminton matches. tourists charging around on hutong tour pedicabs or following loud ladies in tight jeans with too much hairspray waving tour-group flags. workers smoking as if their life depended on it before the heavy lifting starts.) showered. had breakfast. made more coffee. and it's still only 8:00 am and I have four hours until brunch (now lunch). so here i am.

when i first sat down to try to reflect these last few weeks, i became overwhelmed even thinking about trying to express myself or describe those days at all. and yet. i sat for some time watching the blinking cursor, knowing that writing is kathartic for me (even though i don't do all of it here, dear readers). and then i gave up. now, with the skies brightening and the vines climbing up the courtyard walls, maybe i can commence.

the professional opportunity i wrote about in my last post continues to be promising, although not certain. this potential opportunity is all the more enticing after returning to beijing to discover that there are a number of serious threats to our continued capacity to work here. i cannot describe, but was and remain quite alarmed about these challenges. i suspect a transition of some sort will be in store for me before too long regardless of how this particular opportunity unfolds. as usual, i am relying on grace. and remembering that there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. (thanks, leonard cohen.) i am hoping that these cracks will eventually allow for light to flood into my lives and those of my colleagues and the brave women and men committed to legal reform and authentic rights protection in china.

i have been think about grace a great deal these days. and have determined it is more essential to me by far than glamour. although there were some quite glamourous moments during my time away - including wearing a gorgeous bridesmaid gown that made me feel like a grecian goddess and having my hair and makeup professionally done for the first time (amazing!) - there was tremendous, amazing grace. i didn't die in a fire that erupted in the friend's flat i was staying with in nyc (thankfully we weren't there and no one was hurt). a minor surgery went smoothly. i was able to spend time with my beloved nephew, who is a beautiful and brilliant and wondrous child i love so fiercely it's hard to describe. i also had some relaxed time with my parents, sister, and brother-in-law. i saw dear friends in nyc. and i a most beloved sister-friend got married over a weekend that can only be described as magical. i have never seen her (or her also beloved now husband!) so happy. i felt as though i were floating with joy all weekend. so, so much grace.

i realise as i write all of this that i am not documenting the details, the many tumbling moments and stories that i could scoop and pour and shape on this screen. perhaps that's for the best. for now. i have a birthday approaching and am contemplating a new writing project that is related. maybe i'll unfurl it here. maybe not. for now, i am counting my blessings, gracious and graced.