you have to love before you can be relentless

that statement was on a list a friend sent me of jonathan frazen's 10 rules for writing. it was number 10. although i am not clear on whether that makes it the most important or the least. i am going to assume most. i have been thinking about its implications over the last few days. which somehow feels appropriate as i am in the midst of a week-long judicial training and training of trainers (TOT) for chinese judges on how to handle domestic violence cases. before i am misunderstood, let me explain that it feels appropriate because of the passion that people bring to the anti-violence movement, not because i think the statement can be contorted to somehow be equated with violence. working with this small cadre of chinese women and men committed to eradicating violence, or at least decreasing it, or increasing the protections for survivors is inspiring. they are relentless. and, i suppose, so am i.

it has been an intense few days. we held the TOT prior to the training this time (our programs are usually structured in the reverse). and the TOT group is working with our foreign expert trainers to facilitate during the actual training. they lead a series of 'practical courtroom exercises' - model court role plays - on their own this afternoon and it was fantastic to see them apply the facilitation skills they had learned. it also made us all realize that we have our work cut out for us. and china is at such an interesting point in developing the capacity of the courts to protect the rights of domestic violence survivors (or victims as they are still called here). the role play exercises were designed to assess the level of awareness about domestic violence the judges participating in the training have going in, and their role plays and discussions revealed many profound misunderstandings. then again, how much can any of us ever really understand this problem? tomorrow we will spend a day focused on the dynamics of domestic violence. tonight at dinner we had a lengthy discussion about how, in the US, the 'cycle of violence' model (escalation / tension build - violent episode - honeymoon phase) has been largely discredited and replaced with the power and control wheel (more complicated and nuanced). it's an important conversation, but it all feels antiseptic sometimes to try to squeeze this impossible, complex, dark thing to fit some sort of a circle. a shape of any sort.

i have also realized that i have a hard time turning off when i am immersed in a work program. i took a break on saturday night and went to the irish ball (for st patrick's day). overall, it was a grand time. i got glammed up & danced the night away, something i haven't done for ages. and i managed to sleep in until 2:00 pm on sunday, something i don't think i've ever done before. (when i finally got up, i was so proud of myself for sleeping for 10 hours! and i felt great.) but when i first arrived & we were sitting down to dinner (i was at a table with a group of friends), i found myself laughing with incredulity. or maybe it was exhaustion. but i found it astonishing to even be there, with my outrageous shoes and glamazon dress and big hair, after the three overwhelming days at the TOT. a friend was trying to mix up the men and women at the table and possibly set me up with someone (we were both canadian, that was the alleged connection), so i was seated next to a man i hadn't met before. as i was laughing at life and the places and spaces one can occupy between dawn and dusk, i apologized in advance. i said i was utterly exhausted and couldn't promise i'd be much of a conversationalist that evening. and then i ended up launching into talking about (what else?) domestic violence. and the role of the judiciary in combating it. and our training. not sure he was very impressed, but he made a good partner in the line dancing at least.

so what does all of this have to do with love and being relentless? not really sure. (did i mention yet that i am tired? (but content.)) or maybe i'm all too sure. maybe i liked frazen's number 10 because i can relate to it in ways too numerous to articulate here and now. reminds me also of the line at the end of tennyson's poem 'ulysses' - to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

i have loved. and i am relentless.