pollution and perspective

i have a bad case of the red china blues. call it i-abhor-china-itis. sigh. i feel guilty even writing that. sometimes i envy the people i meet who simply fell in love with china and that's why they're here. although envy is not the right word. i marvel at their capacity to simply love this place. for it is not at all something i can understand. certainly not at the moment. my magical weekend in napa may have ruined me. since my return i seem unable to be excited about this place (even as i banter on about conversing with beijing and my needing to be here). the atrocious air quality this week isn't helping. i seriously want to just pack up and go somewhere gorgeous where i can breathe deeply, contemplate truths larger and more subtle than i'll ever comprehend, and attempt to write something truly beautiful. or provocative. or both. beautiful or provocative or both. maybe that can be my new mantra. perhaps all i need is a new mantra.

i will be packing up again in just a few days. for another whirlwinded trip to the land of the free and the home of the brave. perhaps that will suffice for now. i am impossibly impatient. (although i used to be worse, which i suppose would be intolerably impatient. impossibly is an improvement.)

given my current restlessness and inquietude, i am questioning everything. i found myself this afternoon recalling a conversation i had some time ago with a new acquaintance. he asked me how wrong it was to profit from china. (incidentally, he is doing so and prefaced the question by stating he had no intention of stopping.) i pointed out that his very framing of the question presumed that it was wrong. an interesting chat ensued. which, after some other experiences, lead to landslides of over-thinking on both sides although that is an entirely other story. the reason i found myself recalling this today is i found myself wondering how wrong it is not to profit from china. given the (arguable) moral compromise one has to make being here at all, and wondering why i even bother with world-improving, shouldn't i at least be getting rich from shouldering on in this steamy grey mess? so many others seem to be. and 'to get rich is glorious' and all the rest. of course, if you know me you know that even in the deepest hues of my red china blues this kind of thinking can't last for long. nonetheless, it was entertaining to consider the question. doing so may have helped restore some sense of perspective, although i am still very restless and ready to jump. or dance. or something. (then again, maybe i always am. ready to dance, that is.)

i think the grey skies always make me feel as though i'm static - suspended by the particulate matter that presses against my skin. i feel constrained. contained. and it irks me. and makes me yearn for something explosive or inspiring to transpire. i want to get hit by a shooting star. or fall in love. or engage in animated discussions till dawn. or dance in the street. or take an impulsive trip to somewhere entirely unexpected....

a friend and i sought out adventure last night. we found mango martinis. and football. it is my outlet at the moment. i do adore the world cup! a game i can understand. hot men on screen. who are passionate and incredible athletes. international affairs on the field. unlimited free peanuts. all around awesome. this interest in sport came as a surprise to some friends who had never ever heard me mention or show an interest in sport of any kind ever ever prior to a casual comment about a potential conflict with a proposed concert and the world cup final. but during this month every four years i do two things that are out of character: (1) i watch a lot tv in pubs and (2) i drink beer. sometimes you have to push your boundaries.

speaking of which, i need to be doing more of that. pushing boundaries. in manners more meaningful and larger than lager. although i realize as i write this that it entirely contradicts my previous post's commitment to wu wei and nonaction / effortless doing. maybe there is space for both. onwards, onwards. next stop, wonderland.