staring down the smoke

i had a second session with dr. trauma today. totally my hot date of the week. cue tina turner: what's hot got to do, got to do with it? very little, actually. in fact, nothing. even though i was wearing red seude pumps. very hot. but of little consequence. oh and i know the lyrics really ask what love's got to do with it, but i think that love has everything to do with it. usually does. in fact, always.

i had an interesting conversation with a girlfriend last night. she asked when i had 'peaked' in my life - when i was happiest, at my best, yada, yada. i told her i couldn't accept the premise of the question and ended up answering 'now'. i really fundamentally believe that true, enduring happiness transcends outer experience and that we can only live in the present. i also feel that, even in all its messy intensity, life just keeps getting better. or at least i see it that way. that is in fact what has been most traumatic about this whole processing the fire trauma process - feeling as though i am fragile enough to be seriously shaken by external circumstances. then again, maybe i should allow that i can be strong without being superhuman. i am not perfect. anyway, this friend was able to identify when in her life she had 'peaked'. i told her i was peaking in that very moment eating hummus. then i peaked again later that night having a one song dance party by myself at home.

one song dance parties, btw, should be more widely promoted. i bet if they were incorporated more into everyday home life and office culture, we would all be much happier. when we were living in beijing, my family seemed to have an unspoken understanding that anytime van morrison's 'brown-eyed girl' came on somewhere in the flat - whether the living room or our bedroom - everyone would drop whatever they were doing, dance it out, and then resume their activities when the song was through. it was great fun. i once tried to introduce the idea to my office here, but it was not embraced with enthusiasm. in fact, there may have been a lot of confused staring involved.

speaking of staring, one of the interesting aspects of dr. trauma's approach is that he is quite focused on what i've been experiencing physically and having me do physical exercises - breathing, staring, directing my attention to bodily sensations, etc. this of course makes sense because much as we sometimes go about our lives as if we are all brains, we are bodies (and hearts and spirits)(and a lot of water). our bodies know how to heal us. we don't stress about it when we get bruised or cut, because we trust our bodies to take care of those wounds. even the scar from the burn on my thigh is slowly fading. and yet we isolate our brains so often and only stay tangled up in thoughts and plots and grief that would perhaps fade away softly like smoke if we just stopped to breathe and focus on creating space. i consistently marvel at the sense of spaciousness one can create or find simply within. similarly, i know that i already have all i need to heal from these flames - literal or otherwise - and have always had it. i said as much to dr. trauma today, but he didn't seem offended. i may go see him another time or two and engage in more guided staring, breathing, and talking through things. or i may just have a few more one song dance parties. or maybe the japanese female punk band i'm seeing this evening will sufficiently rock my world so that there's no longer any lingering smoke.