are you happy?

embraced by grey skies

so i am safely ensconced back in beijing’s grey embrace. seriously i couldn’t believe how grey the sky was when i landed. why are the skies always so startling? you’d think i’d be used to it by now. but i am likewise always astounded by the outrageous and inviting blues overhead upon arriving in north america. maybe it’s simply the suddenly shift. there used to be so much more involved in travel – more time required, more preparations made, more challenges, more formal attire, more etiquette, more smoke – and as a result more time was typically spent wherever it was you were getting to. and all the time and energy necessary to do so made it all seem less sudden and the skies less strange. or maybe not. maybe i just don’t take the skies for granted anymore.

in any case, i am back in the northern capital and taking very little for granted. my sojourn under the blue skies was brief and hectic. activities included: networking at our global staff retreat, nephew cuddling, communing with family and friends, and pondering the great imponderables. i have returned feeling very blessed and determined to become ever more generous, less afraid, and always curious.

also, i am (finally!) reading kazantzakis’s report to greco and taking seriously his imperative ‘reach what you cannot!’ his dedication in the book is as follows:

THREE KINDS OF SOULS, THREE PRAYERS:

1 – I AM A BOW IN YOUR HANDS, LORD. DRAW ME, LEST I ROT.

2 – DO NOT OVERDRAW ME, LORD. I SHALL BREAK.

3 – OVERDRAW ME, LORD. AND WHO CARES IF I BREAK!

that about sums up how it is we conduct ourselves in this world. (how we balance the terror and the wonder!) i am the third kind of soul.

the staff retreat and conversations in DC have me thinking expansively about the rule of law / development / foreign policy and how china doesn’t fit into any theories. i am hoping to create some space to write and think about that in a more structured way.

meanwhile, the grey goes on. it’s good to be home. and though i already miss lei feng, he’s happier in northern virginia. he was a really impressive little traveler, in case you were curious. he only cried for 10.5 of the 13 hours on the beijing – dulles flight. i was really proud of him for pulling it together for a whole 2.5 hours at the end. mind, the constant crying ranged from barely audible mewing that only i could hear (he was under the seat in front of me) to full on wailing with fur flying, paws flailing, and a shaking carrier. it was quite a performance. really he was just acting the way we all feel when trapped on a plane for seemingly interminable stretches of time.

i am choosing to see these grey skies as replete with possibilities rather than pollution. and i have great expectations for this spring.

balancing terror and wonder

i read somewhere once upon a lifetime when i was eighteen and searching for an epiphany* that the art of living involved balancing the terror of being a man with the wonder of being a man. the very idea of living is of course gendered. (but what isn't?) nonetheless, i found the concept of balancing appealing. why i recall this now i am not sure except that i have been meaning to write for some time partially because i seem to be suspended between the terror and wonder, the highs and lows.

so, terror.

gao zhisheng has been released. yet his spirit seems crushed. which makes me at once want to weep and also fight. i shudder to think what the chinese authorities did to him this time. burning cigarettes on his eyeballs and electric shocks to his genitals were not enough to break him, insufficient torture to compel him to cease his pursuit of justice and rights in china. now he says that he no longer has the capacity to persevere.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/08/world/asia/08dissident.html?scp=5&sq=gao%20zhisheng&st=cse

the saddest line to me in that piece is the description of his returning home and seeing his family's shoes. (they fled china after his last disappearance and have received political asylum in the US.) but what is perhaps most devastating is this:
“You know that past life of mine was abnormal, and I need to give up that former life,” he said. “I hope I can become part of the peaceful life of the big family.”

his saying that being a human rights lawyer or defending the legal rights of vulnerable groups is "abnormal" makes my heart sink. even more so the idea that he can now join the peaceful (harmonious!) life of the big family of the chinese state at the expense of losing his own family. although i hope that they will be able to be reunited somehow.... the brutality of this government, and the seemingly willful blindness to its darker side by so many, is literally terrifying.

there have been some other dark moments this week related to the ever-tightening space in which international organizations such of ours can operate; government scrutiny and suppression of public interest-oriented work and civil society. i can say no more, but it was certainly disconcerting.

so, wonder.

my parents came for a visit and i cooked a spring feast for them and my chinese parents and others. our families' lives have been intertwined for seventeen years and inexorably altered as a result. feeding them all in my new home was incredibly joyful. even if the dinner conversation turned bloody while my chinese mum and landlady swapped tiananmen stories.

i also had a great work trip to changsha to check in on one of our programs focused on providing training to police on intervening in domestic violence cases. i rode in a chinese police car for the first time with an incredibly thoughtful and remarkable local precinct chief who has really embraced improving the police response to domestic violence and made it a priority. he described how he was able to have the local procuratorate bring charges against a man he had known was abusing his wife for years after one beating left her with a broken nose and other injuries that rose to the level of "light injury" and therefore sufficient for an assault charge under the criminal code. domestic violence is not a separate crime in china and unfortunately it is common for police to respond to cases of violence between intimate partners by treating them as "family matters" or "domestic disputes". if the same incident had happened between strangers on the street, it would be an assault and charges would be brought, but because it is a man beating his wife, it is seen as just the way of things and not needing police involvement. that is why it was so heartening to hear this officer discuss his approach to his work. he told the woman to think of him and his police force as part of her family and there to protect her.

i realize i've just unwittingly echoed the "big family" remark. ironic how the same way of describing how an individual relates to her community or country can be suppressive or protective. context is all. or, more accurately, balance.


*being eighteen i believed that one could seek epiphanies, obstinately ignoring the truth that epiphanies are by their very nature ephemeral and gossamer things which cannot be grasped. then again, one epiphany i've had since then is that nothing that matters or endures can be grasped. anything worth holding onto seems ungraspable. and therein is life's greatest lesson. (she says in a footnote.)

radio nowhere

this is a not very good pic of lei feng loving the floor. it is also not recent. i share it because (a) i am trying to become more blog-savvy and include pictures (next stop, wonderland (well, that or learning how to post links or at least link to previous posts)) and (b) because he has been on my mind of late. lucky little kitty is immigrating to america next week. (although he doesn't know it yet.) soon this sweet beast will feel the winds of freedom blow in his fur as he roams with the deer and the antelope in northern virginia. more plainly, i am taking him with me when i go on my next work trip and leaving him with my parents until such time as i am in a living situation which will allow me to take him in again. i had a day of feeling unusually accomplished this week when i picked up both his registration papers from the animal hospital and my canadian passport from the embassy. i just felt that we were both much so more accounted for (and accountable? authentic?). documentation does that. perhaps that's why we bother to document, although i am now not thinking of documentation of the official, state-sanctioned sort, but the kind that actually imbues our lives with meaning. this kind varies tremendously, but i think we all have some impulse to document, or shore up, what matters. and what matters seems always to be the details. moments, idiosyncrasies, characteristics, quirks. so we squirrel the details away somewhere - in writing, in photographs, in song, in stories we dance over and over in our minds or share with each other - to sustain us.

i suddenly find myself less occupied at work for a few days which has been at once a relief and also unsettling. i realized that i was allowing industry to sustain me more than is appropriate or prudent. mine was a busy march, yes. and i find meaning in what i do. but still. it is a cheap trick to rely on work for sustenance and i know it. at least i have realized my folly and am correcting it. moving on.

i have also realized that there is absolutely nothing useful or interesting on chinese radio. well, at least not the radio stations that beijing cabbies listen to. i confess that i have not sought out inspiration from chinese radio on my own so the sampling underlying this offensive conclusion is flawed. and yet, i find it fascinating. well, maybe that's too much. i find it mildly amusing and slighting intriguing. the intrigue (and the amusement) come from how much air can be occupied with nothing at all. it takes real talent to expend a lot of time and energy and verbiage to say nothing consequential and radio broadcasters in china excel. i am always impressed by the sheer amount of time people can speak and the number of the words they can utter without actually saying anything substantive. sometimes i even wish i had that skill, especially when giving speeches in chinese. it would be nice to be able to draw them out. maybe its more adverbs. maybe it just takes practice. (i am, in fact, practicing at the moment with this post. my apologies. please consider this merely a cultural expedition that you get to come along with minimal effort!) then again, perhaps i am too harsh a critic. maybe radio all around the world is filled with empty static. we so often must face how imprecise language is, how inadequate to its occasions.

speaking of occasions, there are a number on the horizon. lei feng and i will go bopping through the wild blue and end up in DC, where we'll connect with family and friends and colleagues. give toasts and talks (me) and try a new litter box (him). by the time i return may will be nearly upon us and i am hoping that life will feel more rooted. that i will feel more rhythm.

tomb-sweeping and touch

it's qing ming jie - tomb sweeping day - a day to go outside to enjoy the greenery of spring time and tend to the graves of departed ancestors. springtime is indeed slowly sprouting here in the northern capital - evidenced by the sweet green shoots poking their noses out of the earth in our courtyard and the sunlight that smiled us yesterday during a mellow hike on the great wall followed by a sunday afternoon celebration at a friend's countryside home in mutianyu. pic above. we went out to enjoy the not-quite greenery a day early, although we entirely neglected our tomb-sweeping obligations. it was truly just a delicious day - in so many senses. delightful company, engaging conversation, great food (cupcakes even!), impromptu song and dance, a sweeping view of the wall and the mountains, clear skies and sweet, sweet sunshine. i am not sure if it was the wine or the promise of spring that was getting us drunk. but i'll take spring (and summer) in copious amounts any day! [i recall a line from the joni mitchell song 'california' - i could drink a case of you and still be on my feet. ... i could drink a case of summer's potential and still be on my feet.]

sadly the clear skies scattered and today it is back to grey. but no matter. as i walked to catch the bus this morning, i was content. my cheeks were still glowing from yesterday's sunshine. i just felt so lucky to be in this incredible city, this complicated country, blessed with health and perspective and endless opportunities - to meet interesting people, to hike on the great wall, to eat cupcakes.* sunday's skies and sunshine scoured away the frustration of last week in wuhan and i felt refreshed. perhaps it was also having a dear friend in town this weekend. or perhaps it was conquering a fear. which i did last thursday.

after getting back from wuhan, i went for a massage. this may not sound like much, but for me it was conquering a fear of touch by a strange man. and i have been thinking about touch lately. not entirely sure why. although i was inspired after reading an article about the importance of touch and the positive effect of simple physical contact. and noticed that i have taken to doing this kind of awkward shoulder-slap when saying farewell to chinese male local partners. (we are beyond shaking hands and hugging wouldn't work. i think they are mostly baffled by the shoulder-slap. as, i confess, i am! i hadn't even realized i was doing it until one of them did it back and i discovered how strange it is.... and then caught myself doing it again with other partners two days later!)

anyway, most expats i know here love going for massage and consider it one of the better aspects of living in beijing and a nice release when you're having bad china days (or weeks as per mine in wuhan). i always politely demurred or changed subjects when massage came up because until last thursday i had never gone. a few weeks ago during a conversation with a few girlfriends, i finally confessed the reason - that my one previous experience with a male masseuse (in the US) was deeply traumatic (entirely due to my own neuroses). most of the masseuses in beijing - and apparently all of the good ones - are men. and that was enough to keep me away. mind, the trauma of my one previous experience, which was part of a recruiting trip with my former big, bad law firm, may or may not have also had something to do with having encountered a very large M & A partner whose robe didn't quite go all the way around him in the co-ed waiting room at the spa. that awkward staring hard at the floor aside, what i actually found difficult was accepting that the massage was not intimate touching. i felt so bad for the poor man assigned to knead my worries away that lovely june afternoon. his name was eric. i remember that clearly because even as i was checking at the spa's front desk and was told i would be "with eric", a small fist squeezed my heart. and held steady. as eric did his best, i became a fiery little ball of stress under his hands. every time he moved the sheet, i was a bundle of nerves. i stopped breathing. and had to use my yoga breath to make sure i was getting oxygen and to calm myself down. i began repeating the mantra "this is not intimate touching" in my head over and over. at some point i started adding "this is his job, he is a professional" to make sure i was really clear. at some point mid-way through, i thought about stopping and telling eric i was sorry, it wasn't his fault, but maybe we should spare us both further trouble and call the whole thing off. but i didn't. i wasn't capable of speech since i was too busy quietly hyperventilating and trying to breathe deeply at the same time. (inhale: this is not, exhale: intimate touching.)

i was convinced to go for a massage in china only after having been encouraged repeatedly to do so and having been informed that there is more than one layer between you and the masseuse: a nice set of pyjama pants and matching long-sleeved shirt and a blanket. no skin-to-skin contact. it was great - he tended to the tension i carry in my neck and shoulders. but this style of massage is not exactly relax; it's quite intense actually. he on blood pathways and it can be painful. for example, as he pressed a point in my lower back, i had the distinct sensation that blood and muscle was going to spurt out of the front of my thigh. but i think working through this tension must be good. and so i am going back tonight. besides, having this safe touching in my life is perhaps positive it and of itself.

i have also been thinking about touch after a friend drunkenly tried to kiss me in an alley a few weekends ago and i leapt back saying, 'i'm just not there yet'. (which is true.) and found myself ambiguously holding the hand of another friend while shopping. and noticed the shoulder-slapping thing. and realized that spooning with your cat isn't a substitute for human intimacy. the take away is that massage is all the touch i can manage at the moment.

the late afternoon light is fighting through the grey, so i may make most of this holiday and reflect on my ancestors for a moment before this evening's massage, even if i have no tombs to sweep. all of this - paying respects to the departed, basking in the sunshine and appreciating the here and now, considering connections and touch - of course recalls how quickly time flies, how fleeting life can seem if you fail to take the time to marvel in the moments, and impermanence. a teaching on impermanence my ba sent recently:

Taking impermanence truly to heart is to be slowly freed from the idea of grasping, from our flawed and destructive view of permanence, from the false passion for security on which we have built everything. Slowly it dawns on us that all the heartache we have been through from grasping at the ungraspable was, in the deepest sense, unnecessary.
At the beginning this too may be painful to accept, because it seems so unfamiliar. But as we reflect, slowly our hearts and minds go through a gradual transformation. Letting go begins to feel more natural, and becomes easier and easier.
It may take a long time for the extent of our foolishness to sink in, but the more we reflect, the more we develop the view of letting go. It is then that a complete shift takes place in our way of looking at everything.

*the only negative about the fact that perfectly cute cupcakes are now available in beijing (http://www.lollipopbakery.cn/) is that i can no longer engage in idle chatter about opening a revolutionary cupcakery. no matter. i will just need to double up my discussion of abstract business plans for a champagne / wine bar.... sadly, all my alleged 'business partner' (a girlfriend equally willing to dwell entirely in possibility / our own imaginations on this) and i have managed to do is conduct 'research trips' to 'assess the competition' and drink wine a number of beijing bars. mind, we still consider that a worthy accomplishment, living in the moment and all.