it's qing ming jie - tomb sweeping day - a day to go outside to enjoy the greenery of spring time and tend to the graves of departed ancestors. springtime is indeed slowly sprouting here in the northern capital - evidenced by the sweet green shoots poking their noses out of the earth in our courtyard and the sunlight that smiled us yesterday during a mellow hike on the great wall followed by a sunday afternoon celebration at a friend's countryside home in mutianyu. pic above. we went out to enjoy the not-quite greenery a day early, although we entirely neglected our tomb-sweeping obligations. it was truly just a delicious day - in so many senses. delightful company, engaging conversation, great food (cupcakes even!), impromptu song and dance, a sweeping view of the wall and the mountains, clear skies and sweet, sweet sunshine. i am not sure if it was the wine or the promise of spring that was getting us drunk. but i'll take spring (and summer) in copious amounts any day! [i recall a line from the joni mitchell song 'california' - i could drink a case of you and still be on my feet. ... i could drink a case of summer's potential and still be on my feet.]
sadly the clear skies scattered and today it is back to grey. but no matter. as i walked to catch the bus this morning, i was content. my cheeks were still glowing from yesterday's sunshine. i just felt so lucky to be in this incredible city, this complicated country, blessed with health and perspective and endless opportunities - to meet interesting people, to hike on the great wall, to eat cupcakes.* sunday's skies and sunshine scoured away the frustration of last week in wuhan and i felt refreshed. perhaps it was also having a dear friend in town this weekend. or perhaps it was conquering a fear. which i did last thursday.
after getting back from wuhan, i went for a massage. this may not sound like much, but for me it was conquering a fear of touch by a strange man. and i have been thinking about touch lately. not entirely sure why. although i was inspired after reading an article about the importance of touch and the positive effect of simple physical contact. and noticed that i have taken to doing this kind of awkward shoulder-slap when saying farewell to chinese male local partners. (we are beyond shaking hands and hugging wouldn't work. i think they are mostly baffled by the shoulder-slap. as, i confess, i am! i hadn't even realized i was doing it until one of them did it back and i discovered how strange it is.... and then caught myself doing it again with other partners two days later!)
anyway, most expats i know here love going for massage and consider it one of the better aspects of living in beijing and a nice release when you're having bad china days (or weeks as per mine in wuhan). i always politely demurred or changed subjects when massage came up because until last thursday i had never gone. a few weeks ago during a conversation with a few girlfriends, i finally confessed the reason - that my one previous experience with a male masseuse (in the US) was deeply traumatic (entirely due to my own neuroses). most of the masseuses in beijing - and apparently all of the good ones - are men. and that was enough to keep me away. mind, the trauma of my one previous experience, which was part of a recruiting trip with my former big, bad law firm, may or may not have also had something to do with having encountered a very large M & A partner whose robe didn't quite go all the way around him in the co-ed waiting room at the spa. that awkward staring hard at the floor aside, what i actually found difficult was accepting that the massage was not intimate touching. i felt so bad for the poor man assigned to knead my worries away that lovely june afternoon. his name was eric. i remember that clearly because even as i was checking at the spa's front desk and was told i would be "with eric", a small fist squeezed my heart. and held steady. as eric did his best, i became a fiery little ball of stress under his hands. every time he moved the sheet, i was a bundle of nerves. i stopped breathing. and had to use my yoga breath to make sure i was getting oxygen and to calm myself down. i began repeating the mantra "this is not intimate touching" in my head over and over. at some point i started adding "this is his job, he is a professional" to make sure i was really clear. at some point mid-way through, i thought about stopping and telling eric i was sorry, it wasn't his fault, but maybe we should spare us both further trouble and call the whole thing off. but i didn't. i wasn't capable of speech since i was too busy quietly hyperventilating and trying to breathe deeply at the same time. (inhale: this is not, exhale: intimate touching.)
i was convinced to go for a massage in china only after having been encouraged repeatedly to do so and having been informed that there is more than one layer between you and the masseuse: a nice set of pyjama pants and matching long-sleeved shirt and a blanket. no skin-to-skin contact. it was great - he tended to the tension i carry in my neck and shoulders. but this style of massage is not exactly relax; it's quite intense actually. he on blood pathways and it can be painful. for example, as he pressed a point in my lower back, i had the distinct sensation that blood and muscle was going to spurt out of the front of my thigh. but i think working through this tension must be good. and so i am going back tonight. besides, having this safe touching in my life is perhaps positive it and of itself.
i have also been thinking about touch after a friend drunkenly tried to kiss me in an alley a few weekends ago and i leapt back saying, 'i'm just not there yet'. (which is true.) and found myself ambiguously holding the hand of another friend while shopping. and noticed the shoulder-slapping thing. and realized that spooning with your cat isn't a substitute for human intimacy. the take away is that massage is all the touch i can manage at the moment.
the late afternoon light is fighting through the grey, so i may make most of this holiday and reflect on my ancestors for a moment before this evening's massage, even if i have no tombs to sweep. all of this - paying respects to the departed, basking in the sunshine and appreciating the here and now, considering connections and touch - of course recalls how quickly time flies, how fleeting life can seem if you fail to take the time to marvel in the moments, and impermanence. a teaching on impermanence my ba sent recently:
Taking impermanence truly to heart is to be slowly freed from the idea of grasping, from our flawed and destructive view of permanence, from the false passion for security on which we have built everything. Slowly it dawns on us that all the heartache we have been through from grasping at the ungraspable was, in the deepest sense, unnecessary.
At the beginning this too may be painful to accept, because it seems so unfamiliar. But as we reflect, slowly our hearts and minds go through a gradual transformation. Letting go begins to feel more natural, and becomes easier and easier.
It may take a long time for the extent of our foolishness to sink in, but the more we reflect, the more we develop the view of letting go. It is then that a complete shift takes place in our way of looking at everything.
*the only negative about the fact that perfectly cute cupcakes are now available in beijing (http://www.lollipopbakery.cn/) is that i can no longer engage in idle chatter about opening a revolutionary cupcakery. no matter. i will just need to double up my discussion of abstract business plans for a champagne / wine bar.... sadly, all my alleged 'business partner' (a girlfriend equally willing to dwell entirely in possibility / our own imaginations on this) and i have managed to do is conduct 'research trips' to 'assess the competition' and drink wine a number of beijing bars. mind, we still consider that a worthy accomplishment, living in the moment and all.
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