on momentum and its discontents

i had a moment last night walking through the hutongs at twilight (listening to 'rent') when i was struck with a realization about my month of momentum's having come to a screeching halt while i was sick. with absolute clarity i realized that i had been viewing things entirely incorrectly. i had been so distraught and discontent about finding myself suspended in silence for a week that i almost failed to notice the inner calm i discovered there. i failed to appreciate that the real momentum i needed this month was internal.* as soon as the idea crossed my mind (while i joyfully i sang out loud along with the rent soundtrack - give in to love, or live in fear!), i stopped for a moment to just let it sink in. (and to avoid being hit by a bicycle-cart transporting dangerously-stacked wood.) my focus on external measures of momentum or progress was misplaced. the real momentum i needed (and was finding!) was internal. it was about taking time to notice the twilight, among other things. so i smiled up at the sky and continued on my way to meet girlfriends for dinner.

as we sat on a rooftop, laughing, and the twilight faded into blue, this realization drifted slowly through me. it settled on an ocean floor somewhere inside me. and i felt very content with that. i have recently been thinking about the connections between our intellectual, spiritual, and physical selves. i believe these connections are stronger and more subtle that we can possibly understand. i saw my chinese doctor on sunday evening. she's an acupuncturist extraordinaire. i had sent her an sms in desperation on friday when i still wasn't feeling better, even if i had a bit of a voice. although i was feeling fine and mostly recovered by sunday afternoon when i arrived at her office, i thought i would go ahead with the appointment anyway. i explained that i had spent a week unable to speak, constantly exhausted, having curious headaches, and generally unwell. she sized up the situation and decided she need to rub my neck and back with a magic stone and then let out bad blood from behind my knees. (obviously.) between the gua sha (scraping) and the blood-letting, i look as though i've been tortured on my back and neck and the backs of my knees. but as usual after seeing her, i feel amazing. both physically - such spaciousness! - but also emotionally. somehow all of the adjustments order things more profound than my vertabrae, the cupping reaches things deeper than my skin. of course i am not such a believer that i skipped the antibiotics and the nebulizer, but nonetheless, i always marvel at the levels (and layers) of healing involved in shen daifu's treatments.

i have decided that i ought to continue to focus on inner momentum. and worry much less about the rest. i have an abiding faith which is enough for now (and always). and now is all there is anyway - no day but today! speaking of which, it has been absolutely gorgeous weather for two days straight which simply makes me want to leave the office, sit on a rooftop somewhere and be fabulous! i'm not entirely sure what that involves, but i'm pretty sure it has something to do with champagne cocktails and outrageous shoes.** preferably while listening to jazz. or wild birds that sounds like keith jarrett on the piano. but i will not leave the office, and will continue to push forward the rule of law. and perhaps go shoe-shopping online. (maybe some external momentum on my feet will assist with the internal progress!)

*perhaps it always is.

**i recognise that this may sound like a wish to become a taitai. especially because whenever i scratch the surface of this particular illusion just a little bit, confusion ensues. really, there is only so much sipping of champagne cocktails and wearing big shoes one can do in a given day. so how to occupy the remaining time? i expect that there would be a lot of effort put into preparing for the moment when the sipping of cocktails commences. (being fabulous requires looking fabulous and that takes work.) this is when i realize that being a taitai might be rather tedious. even if time at the gym, spa, beauty salon, lunch, and shops (in preparation for the rooftop champers moment) occupies several hours, i know i would crave substance.