perseverance furthers

so my recovery has been slower than i had hoped or prepared for. i am still shrouded in silence. and meanwhile, the world is collapsing around my ears and my NGO has been in the SCMP for two days running and any semblance of justice in China is imploding and i can only watch from within this glass cage of quiet. (at least i have a good excuse for not speaking to the press.) and in fairness, the justice imploding line is a bit melodramatic. but one bends towards melodrama when trapped inside one’s head for days on end. or at least i do. also, in a cruel twist of fate, my ipod has actually imploded and seems entirely beyond hope of recovery. so i cannot even listen to music. although even as i write that, I have opened the door to the courtyard and can hear a neighbour playing the flute. which only proves that beauty and melody and goodness infiltrate always.

speaking of infiltration, a dear friend and her visiting mum came over last night and let me feed them. as usual when trapped home by illness, i expand my horizons by cooking. (and they brought baked goods which are always welcome!) it was lovely to have their company, but the whispering left me in pain and frustrated to tears by my lack of improvement. i found myself in tears again this morning when i realized i still couldn’t speak, but then reminded myself to keep things in perspective. a friend with asthma suggested that i imagine i am a french-indochinese lady in an opium den while i am nebulizing to make it more pleasant. i thought it a good suggestion…. so perspective – i am fortunate, this too shall pass, and i can listen to a neighbour play the flute on a sunny day. perseverance furthers. that applies to striving for justice as well. to borrow from tennyson’s ulysses – to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

it’s curious how when all other sounds are muted, the volume of one’s inner chatter can increase. although thankfully my inner life is calmer and more muted than i had imagined. and of course my imagination is more surprising and unruly than ever.

this condition has created an unexpected hiatus in the month of momentum. but perhaps it is actually a positive pause. i was perhaps propelling myself forward too far too fast rather than allowing myself to listen to my inner music and dance ahead at my own pace.