a path with heart

for some reason, flurries of friends affirming my strength seem to be in my forecast of late. (i also appear to be relating my emotions to the weather once again, but didn't realize that until this very moment!) it is of course very loving encouragement to tell someone they are strong. and, thus far, i have weathered life's storms. but i do not feel as though i am any more or less strong than your average spider princess*. i am always surprised, by myself and by sister-friends** whose heartaches i have shared, at the inner strength we all have if only we open ourselves to it, if only we allow ourselves to follow that path. a path that always leads to and through the heart.

i have been thinking about following a path with heart for as long as i can remember. although in this case, i am speaking more about generally choosing a way to be in the world than the specific process of choosing or finding a way to be strong through stormy times. (i do think of both processes as choosing to some extent. truly, the trick is in what one emphasizes. we either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. the amount of work is the same.) the idea of following a path with heart was something my father introduced me to when i was quite young. he was very much into carlos castaneda, particularly journey to ixtlan, and was trying to teach me how to lucid dream as a four-year old. (oh how i wanted to be able to do it and please him. but i never could. i could never find my hands!) the dreaming didn't pan out, but desire to lead a life with purpose, and follow a path with heart, did. in journey to ixtlan, through the teachings of don juan castaneda reveals a way of being a spiritual warrior in this world. his discussion of a path with heart there is simple - "Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use." asking those questions in practice can be more complicated. or at least we can make it so.

but what does this have to do with strength? or with the paths i am pursuing now? tomorrow i am very fortunate to be able to attend a program on public interest lawyering in china with attorneys and others who do work with tremendous heart. it is very sensitive for them to have foreigners at this program, and i am honoured to be one of two obvious lao wai - foreigners - able to attend. in thinking about tomorrow's program, i considered about the different paths people can take in the legal profession - paths with such great heart! (paths with tremendous profit!). i also reflected that it was in following my own path with heart - in multiple senses - that lead me here. and to tomorrow's program. and as i find myself tenderly considering my current path and its potential tributaries, i feel secure that i already possess whatever strength i need to find the right path(s).

castaneda also speaks of how warriors never worry about their fears. i sometimes wonder if that is true of the weiquan - rights defending - or public interest lawyers in china. they are warriors - both spiritual and otherwise. (incidentally, many of them have converted to christianity. this is an interesting discussion for another day.) there can be no space for fear on such paths. perhaps more appropriate for we lesser warriors is the idea that the true art of a warrior is to balance terror and wonder. that much i can do. even if the balancing act never ends.

i think that balancing of terror and wonder - that open-heartedness - is what sometimes is mistaken for strength. really it is less strength than just the audacity to insist upon following a path with heart.

*a once upon a lifetime nickname of mine. from a brian andreas quote: If I was a spider princess, she said, I would spin webs the color of sky and catch drops of sunlight to give to children who watch too much TV and then everyone would remember to come outside to play. If I was a spider princess, she said, things would be different.

**sister-friends can also be men, i have recently discovered thanks to a late night phonecall.