surprising joy

i realize that i have spent a lot of time cultivating joy. discovering it sprouting up from the sidewalk. or stumbing into it in the fruit stall as i knock over the eggplants. or actively affirming it within. (really the inner is so much more than the outer!) and this cultivation is a good practice. but an email exchange w/ my ba this morning made me realize that there is a certain quality of sheer joy that you cannot create. it's not something you can choose, but has to sneak up and paint you gold and send you off dancing into the stars.... or some approximate equivalent. here is the exhange:

ba:
OK. All I really want for you is for you to be surprised by joy one of these days. But that's the catch. It has to sneak up unexpectedly and then surprise the beejezus out of you!
me:
oh me too, ba, me too. i rather tragically thought in some small quiet corner of my heart that that would happen now. : /
but it's ok. i'll be ok.

and i will be. i hadn't realized until he said it that, despite all my efforts to create and find and cherish joy, to be really whole, to be thankful, to see beauty everywhere, one day i would love to experiencing that kind of surprising joy.