under pressure

i have just had acupuncture / acupressure done for the first time and am amazed at the spaciousness. i feel as though my spine will never be the same. and i cannot wait to go back. i went in to see about treatment for some neck and back pain. but have come out joyful and with a sense of wonder about life. i also surprised myself this evening. after shen daifu - doctor shen - did an initial assessment, she asked me if i was a afraid of needles. some brave self i did not know existed answered no. wo bu pa - i am not afraid. and so it began. with just three needles in each foot and calf and one in each hand, the muscles in my back released entirely for the first time in probably more than a decade. and then the real work began.

shen daifu is a very small, very warm woman. but incredibly strong. she spent a good hour while the needles were in standing on my back and legs and applying pressure or massaging me with her feet. it was unlike anything i have ever experienced. even when she was using her hands i was amazed that such a tiny person could produce such strength, could apply such pressure. she worked on me for two and half hours. we chatted some but during the quiet spaces i found myself thinking about pressure - about the pressure we allow others to apply to us and that which we apply to ourselves. pressure, applied properly, can push or release us to greatness, to spaciousness, or to both at once. improperly applied, it can crush, hobble, or diminish us.

once upon a lifetime i was much harder on myself that i am now. (the song "under pressure" was in fact something i would sing in my head while stretching to psyche myself up during my pre-race ritual when i was a swimmer. what does that tell you? although, to be fair, it was more about rhythm than message.) at that time, the pressure i applied to myself to be perfect was tragic and laughable. i have sometimes wondered where that pressure came from. why do we create our own pressures and what drives us to do so? doesn't the world give us enough already?

my transcendent experience with shen daifu tonight reminded me of another moment in my life when a stranger's pressure set me free. i must have been 16. a few friends from the united states had come to visit me and my family in beijing during the summer. it was a hot, sticky beijing august day and i was taking my guests to the ming tombs. about 45 minutes into the 1.5 hour drive, i started to feel incredibly nauseous. i willed it to pass. that didn't work, so i had to ask our driver to pull over. i was green and woozy by the side of a road in the beijing countryside with a car full of people relying on me to orchestrate the day. of course they were caring and sympathetic and suggesting that we simply turn back. but, this being deep in my perfectionist stage, i was putting pressure on my sick self to pull it together and continue. i recall staring up at the sun and not thinking clearly. at that moment, a chinese woman going by on a bicycle stopped and came over. she told me that she was a doctor of traditional chinese medicine and waved some sort of identification or badge before my face. she asked me a few questions, which i did my best to answer. she then proceeded to apply pressure to specific points - my temples, my inner wrists, my ankles. the waves of nausea receded, my head cleared, and i recovered completely. we thanked her profusely. i tried to offer payment, even if only in the form of the basket of fresh, ripe peaches we had packed as part of our picnic lunch. but she would accept nothing. she said seeing me recover was her payment. and then she hopped on her bicycle and rode off into the shining heat. i remembered her refusal tonight when shen daifu refused payment for the extra half hour she spent working on my impossibly knotted shoulders and neck.

shen daifu and i spoke a lot about balance this evening. the principle of balance really underlies a lot of chinese medicine. (and chinese philosophy, religions, and traditional thinking, i pointed out.) perhaps the still point we strive to reach with our pressures - both those we apply ourselves and those the world places upon us - is finding the right balance. an appropriate balance of pressures can be positive, transformative. an ill-balanced or wobbly balance of pressures can be negative, destructive. striking this balance seems a constant process.