the legal charade offers an opportunity

i celebrated thanksgiving yesterday with a warm and wonderful collection of "beijing family". we were american, canadian, chinese, german, french, italian, australian. it was the first thanksgiving for some, a familiar tradition for others. after the meal, i encouraged everyone to go around the table and share what they were thankful for. that sharing seems to me to be the whole purpose of the holiday. (although i understand that some say overeating is the real agenda.) in any case, when it was my turn, after being thankful for my nephews, my family and friends and other blessings of the past year, i said i was thankful for the legal charade in this country has given me the opportunity to do such meaningful work. a bit cynical, perhaps, but i stumbled across the expression this week and it more accurately captures my work here than any other term.

i came across the "legal charade" concept in philip pan's excellent 'out of mao's shadow', which i have been meaning to read for some time but only just did so. it's very well arranged, thoughtful, and thought-provoking. in a chapter about one of the weiquan (rights protecting) lawyers there is this illuminating passage:

given the city's reputation for corruption, it seemed doubtful he had much of a chance of winning the case, and i asked him why he was even bothering. he laughed, and acknowledges that he didn't expect to win. "i still have to do a good job," he explained. "that's my obligation to my clients." but there was more to it than that. the party claimed to govern by the rule of law. it debated legislation, set up courts, hired judges, held trials - it wrapped itself in the trappings of the law, because doing so conferred an aura of legitimacy on it. it was a charade, of course. the party spent three times more on its riot control police than it did on courts and prosecutors, and when push came to shove, it believed it had the authority to do whatever it wanted, legal or not. pu understood this as well as anyone. but he believed the legal charade offered an opportunity. using the courtroom as a stage, he intended to present a convincing case to the public. if he did a good job, the party could still rule against him, but it would have to drop the charade, expose its commitment to the law as a fraud, and pay a price in damage to its image. the stronger the case he presented, pu believed, the higher that price would be, and if it were high enough, party leaders might think twice about putting themselves above the legal system. in that moment of hesitation, something remarkable could happen. the charade could become a reality and the party could be constrained by its own sham laws.

i recognized my own work, so humble in comparison to the courageous work of the weiquan lawyers, in this passage. we are also well aware of the charade and operate by ceaselessly finding spaces where that hesitation might allow justice to rush in.

i didn't mean to be insulting when i said i was thankful for the charade. the chinese people deserve so much better. but without the charade the situation would be much bleaker. at least the illusion of the rule of law provides hope that one day the party will be compelled to live up to its own laws. what progress has been made in recent years - what freedoms and rights the chinese people now enjoy - has come only because individuals have demanded and fought for it, and because the party has retreated in the face of such pressure. the hope is therefore essential to securing even greater freedom in china. and for that hope i am thankful.

i seem to be having a number of conversations about china's future lately. what else is there to talk about, really? ; ). i am always surprised at how easily outsiders are willing to overlook or throw a shiny gloss on the situation here. how there's a subtle cringe that certain people make when i call this country's government what it is: authoritarian. i understand china is seen as the land of incredible, limitless economic opportunity. (and the corporate authoritarian government wants you to see her that way.) but are the opportunities credible without rule of law? and is market access worth wearing blinders for? i sometimes wonder why it seems that the world coddles china and swallows the governments glossy images. she doesn't coddle us.

it is an interesting time to be back here. i am curious to see whether the charade will ever unravel and am intrigued to see how such events it will unfold. in the meanwhile, we beat on, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

season for spices and suppression

the sky out my window today is a sickly grey. the buildings are also grey. decidedly uninspiring. but i have ceased to look to the weather for inspiration.

'tis the season to be thankful. plus, i am being grateful each day (now that's inspiring). today i am thankful for freedom of speech. the lastest supression 'round these parts was the three year sentence handed down to a citizen who was crticial of the shoddy school construction (due to local corruption) in sichuan province that caused the deaths of thousands of children's during the earthquake last year. (the government refuses to release the exact figure for the number of children killed.) huang qi, who assisted parents who lost children in the quake press the local government, was convicted of the illegal possession of state secrets and sentenced to three years. his trial was closed and supporters were barred from entering the courtroom. more here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/world/asia/24quake.html?scp=2&sq=huang%20qi&st=cse

i wonder what the state secrets he possessed were? the truth? or at least a desire to unearth it amid the rubble? people say that the first casualty of any conflict is truth. and, in some sense, the chinese model for developing the current corporate authoritarian state has been creating a sense of constant conflict and completely controlling information. (mr. huang forgot that only the party has the truth here. he will now have a few years to "improve his thinking" while in prison.) the conflicts have shifted over the years - from rightists, capitalist roaders, intellectuals and landlords to foreigners, independent media, the dalai lama and "mastermind" rebiya kadeer. but the essential formula hasn't been altered all that much. of course, why mix up what has been so successful?

speaking of mixing up, i am somehow going to three thanksgiving dinners in four days this weekend. and will be attempting to make pumpkin pie. (my obssessive baking has been tempered by other interests of late.) which has me thinking about spices. i love having them about in the kitchen. even the ones i barely use or buy randomly on a whim. there's a great security in spices. what exactly i'm not sure. variety? freedom of flavour? the safety that when all else has been destroyed you can subsist on oregano and cumin? just looking at the spice rack puts me in a good mood. re-arranging it is downright therapuetic. so i look forward to seasoning the pie on saturday. and maybe making some bread as well. (confession: the other reason for the baking lull is my inability to light my oven without calling the compound mr. fixit (or, as we say, the "master craftsman") to assist. it's really rather embarassing and he thinks i am hopeless. although there really appears to be something wrong with the oven. this is the same fellow who, when i've had to call about computer issues, bruskly enters my flat, gives me the once over and asks, "did you turn it on"? he really thinks i'm not the brightest crayon in the box. but no matter.)

if not the brightest, i am feeling bright despite these grey skies. and, although not graceful, i will bravely return to ballet class this evening. (unless a roasted sweet potato detains me..... tis the season after all.)

spaciousness

the more space you cultivate in your life for beauty and joy, the more they will rush in and fill that space, overwhlem it. same is true for adventure. i have been thinking lately about making space for what matters and cultivating a sense of spaciousness within myself. (ok, confession - i am almost always thinking about this.) this weekend was expansive. both experientially and lingamentally. ;). i discovered my new favourite place in beijing. and i took a ballet class.

i almost backed out of ballet at the last minute again, but decided to bravely choose the path which would push me in new directions, loosen up some space in my mind, heart, and hips. i would like to say that beauty and joy rushed in and i was a vision in the studio. but i would be lying. pain and cramping rushed in and i was all awkward jerky movements across the floor. but no matter. i wasn't concerned with what was reflected in the mirror. my purpose was more than the mirror, or rather had nothing to do with it. my sore muscles are today still reminding me to leap. and laugh about it, no matter what happens. i am going back to class again on wednesday.*

when i went to class on saturday, i was already creatively inspired after a great friday night at beijing's best live music venue (my new favourite place). dedicated to supporting all kinds of music as long as it's independent, this platform for creativity welcomes local and international bands, screens films, throws parties, and i hope one day will let be do some political theatre.** we were there to see a brooklyn-based indie rock band, au revoir simone. (i hope that's the correct way to describe them.) they were fantastic and the energy in the crowd was warm and vivacious and daring on a cold winter night. the characters collected in that spot were interesting, and i couldn't help but wonder how we had all drifted into this darkened space in the center of this sleeping dragon of a city. the second act involved a tiny, tiny italian man with very large hair jumping up and down and incomprehensibly scream-singing as his balding friend in a blazer moved around a giant, silver inflatable rocket-penis twice his size with his name (silvio) emblazoned down the shaft in blue letters. it takes all kinds. and somehow there is space for all of us.

in thinking about both inner and outer spaciousness, i have also been thinking about the times of the day in which to cultivate them. i did yoga this morning. i of course spent some moments hesitating about whether to do it or not. i have not fully actualized my discipline as freedom concept. (or is it discipline as a means to a greater sense of spaciousness, which is in and of itself freeing?) while in that statis, i noticed the calmness of the early morning. and that light. i love the early morning light. and the quiet. the possibility. i'm grateful for those early morning moments, even when i forget to appreciate them and am caught up arguing with myself about whether or not to practice yoga. i've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who i'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who i am. there is such spaciousness there.

in less uplifting news, there was a(nother) horrific mining accident in china this weekend. i've been reading lately about the government's suppression of the modern labour movement in china (ironic for the state that was meant to establish a workers' paradise). that movement was lead by coal miners. and they were crushed, just as brutally as they regularly are in the mines because both (corrupt) state-owned and (corrupt) privately-owned mining companies find it more lucrative to pay a pittance to dead miners' families than to invest in and implement safety standards and adequate equipment. it infuriates me and just makes certain spaces in my heart ache. i have been feeling that way a great deal lately. i cannot help but notice, and want to call attention to, the dark side of china's dazzling economic rise. i want to make more space for it in the common china discourse somehow.


*the most profound learning point of the first class was re-discovering that there are certain bum muscles you only use in ballet. that and the truth of the statement 'if you don't move it, you lose it'.

**in another exciting development this weekend i have finally settled on my next writing project! and (unsurprisingly) it hit me with the subtlety of a hurricane. very excited about seeing where this will lead.

finding space(s) for faith

yesterday one my colleagues asked me what i thought of obama's visit to china. after expressing my disappointment, i asked what her impressions were. she said that she hadn't paid much attention to the particulars of what the leaders of the G2 said, but she was struck by her personal experiences as a christian leading up to his arrival. she is a member of one of beijing's many "home churches". these are unregistered congregations that seek to worshio free from government interference or control. as she explained, they don't want to be registered and her small church in fact recently broke off from a larger unregistered home church so as to be less visible and therefore have greater space for their faith. faith is something that the party fears. they fear antyhing that can threaten or usurp their absolute authority. but faith is especially dangerous because it can lead to expansive thinking and spiritual awareness that can completely overwhelm the party's soulless, corporatist, nationalistic dogma and reveal it for the empty rhetoric and thinly veiled means of maintaining power that it is.

members of beijing's home churches were closely watched for two weeks prior to obama's visit. people were followed (especially pastors and church leaders), their communications monitored, and church meeting places were closed. one sunday prior to obama's arrival, the larger home church my colleague had originally been a member of was prevented from holding services in their normal location because the police had barricaded the building and informed them that they were not permitted to worship there. the congregation gathered in a nearby park instead. it was bitterly cold and snowing (thanks also to government interference, although the weather modification office was operating independently of the public security church suppression task force*). my colleague described to me how they held services in the falling snow, with the police observing them nearby. i found it so moving, and so symbolic somehow.

symbolic in the sense that faith is at once greater than the snow and the snow itself. and it is certainly stronger than the watchful public security. there occasionally rises chatter about the current struggle for the 'soul' of china. the ccp has had an iron efficient vise-grip on the country's spirit for so long. and although some say economic growth required some loosening, i think of it more as just a strategic shift. rather than clap down directly, the party carefully crafted a steel net to contain her people - allowing enough from for corporatism and greed, but controlling information and thought sufficiently to secure their power. faith slips through that net, though.

the conversation with my colleague inevitably turned to the falungong. no conversation about religous freedom in china is complete without at lease some mention of this most curious collection of spiritual practitioners. i confessed that i find some of their beliefs quite strange, but said that doesn't make them a cult. the chinese government's brutal response to this group demonstrates their fear of faith. or at least faith that involves worship of anything other than china, getting rich, and the communist party.

my colleague wondered why she hadn't heard mention of obama bringing up the suppression of christians or religious freedom. i suggested that it would be part of february's us-china human rights dialogue as it has been in past dialogues. she noted without surpirse that the suppression of beijing's home churches in advance of the president's visit was not reported in the local press. i assured her that it received some foreign coverage. i also told her that the pastor who leads the home church alliance was detained in advance of the visit. she didn't believe that though. maybe faith can only provide so much perspective. :).

faith is most miraculous and, much to the ccp's dismay, cannot easily be contained. and yet, in our pathetic way, we are always trying to conain it or measure it or squeeze it into a frame of reference we can readily understand. i found myself thinking about this morning as i read an article about competitive yoga tournaments and a movement to have yoga added as an olympic sport. (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/19/fashion/19fitness.html?pagewanted=1) the promoters acknowledge that the competitions only judge the physical aspect of yoga, not spirituality. indeed, how to you measure inner growth, wholeness, goodness? while running this morning, i was thinking about those subjects and whether i am able to cultivate the same sense of spaciousness through running as i can through asana. once again i resolved to practice daily. though i yearn for a teacher (and thus far have had no luck finding one in beijing), that is not an excuse.

there are always ready excuses to avoiding true spiritual growth. but doing so i believe eventually comes back to haunt you. i hope that one day the ccp learns this lesson the hard way.


*the former (weather modification office) is real, the latter (public security church suppression task force) is a term i made up but it very well may exist!

still point

i have been feeling lately as though i am at an invisible precipice of some kind. not in the sense of being in peril, but in the sense that i suspect my life will look dramatically different in the not so distant future in ways that i cannot at this time foresee or fathom. i sometimes see myself wandering amid the clouds at some very high cliff somewhere. a sense of being at this overhang has been especially prevalent in dreams of late, but this feeling also comes over me as i'm walking down the street or waiting in line at the airport. i don't know what the change will be, and whether it will be positive or negative or some combination thereof. (though of course it is always a combination thereof and being a wide-eyed optimist at heart, i can only think things will only get better. they always do.)

i only recently acknowledged this feeling over being on the verge of something, although i suppose i have been writing quite a bit about wanting to move ahead and look back at my present self with a contented, compassionate smile or to receive a letter from my future self. i even tried to write that letter. [bad blogger confession: i haven't expended the time or energy to determine how to link back to other posts / thoughts, otherwise i would do so now. mea culpa.] incidentally, the desire to fast forward has nothing to do with the brave new world of us-china relations on human rights obama and hu have just ushered in that i wrote about earlier. and it is not an expression of discontent in the present.

to the contrary, i am feeling very calm with where i am at the moment. in spite of some of the large question marks in my life at the moment. [although perhaps there is only one, rather pressing, most important question mark.] i am contented with observing and watching how things unfold, loving and giving as best i can. (it's the only way to live!) and i am not afraid of these impending changes i am imagining once i leap off my invisible precipice and into the clouds. i am quite sure that the clouds will catch me. or rather that i will catch myself. or have no need to be caught.

most of us spend a great deal of our time stressing out about changes. (i have been guilty of this myself. probably for many lifetimes.) the curious aspect of that is that change is our only constant. impermanence our only permanence. accepting that, and letting go. not grasping is the deepest lesson i have learned. and one that i often need to re-teach myself. it is so easy to get caught up in grasping! and once you are caught up in it, it is nearly impossible to realize that your hold on something is much more tenuous when you are grasping it. as you as you loosen your fingers, it can slip away. whereas if you don't grasp, but keep an open palm, you can securely hold something resting on the palm of your hand.

my ba recently sent me a 'glimpse of the day' that recalls this concept:

Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.

Just as when the waves lash at the shore, the rocks suffer no damage but are sculpted and eroded into beautiful shapes, so our characters can be molded and our rough edges worn smooth by changes. Through weathering changes, we can learn how to develop a gentle but unshakable composure. Our confidence in ourselves grows, and becomes so much greater that goodness and compassion begin naturally to radiate out from us and bring joy to others.

That goodness is what survives death, a fundamental goodness that is in each and every one of us. The whole of our life is a teaching of how to uncover that strong goodness, and a training toward realizing it.

****

ok, so that thought takes it a step further than i did here. but i'm not enlightened yet. i suppose i will just have to be patient and see where this imaginary leap will lead me. (or whether in fact it is all my own melodrama and there are no great changes on the horizon.) i do like the idea of realizing our fundamental goodness as our life's teaching. no matter what happens, i hope that i will progress further along that path. for not, i am going to stay calm while i am at this still point.

team america: -1

the nobel peace prize committee acknowledged even as it announced obama as this year's shocking upset recipient, that it was aspirational award. it was an expression of hope (desperation?), a fervent wish that he will be the change we want to see in the world. (incidentally, gandhi, whose words i am borrowing here and who basically cornered the market in living your principles, never received the peace prize.) i wonder if when they were deciding to award him the prize, the committee members had lofty aspirations for obama's engagement with china on human rights. that might have helped convince them to overlook the chinese human rights activists being considered for the award, the choice of whom this year would have sent a powerful message to china as it celebrated 60 years of CCP suppression. i wonder if those lofty aspirations might have included a joint statement at the end of obama's visit in which "both sides recognized that the united states and china have differences on the issue of human rights". so much for human rights being universal. that's the best our world crusader for peace could do?!? yowza.

as his ever so stage-managed visit in china comes to a close, i find myself wondering whether the nobel peace prize committee has buyer's remorse. indeed, whether we all do. i confess i am deeply disappointed in the president's seeming acquiescence to all of the chinese concerns and his failure to stand up for the very principles - the universal nature of human rights, speaking truth to power, not compromising american principles of justice in the name of political or economic goals, a commitment to the rule of law, openness and candid dialogue, an end to politics as usual - that were the foundation of his campaign.

yet, some will say, obama faces unprecedented challenges and he just needs more time to actualize the above. in other words, the chinese own us. or at least the majority of our debt. so the united states is in a deeply compromised position.* is that sufficient justification to kowtow to both the form and the substance of the chinese arrangement of and priorities for this visit? i wonder what gandhi would say.

i only hope that things can improve from here. i would say it would be difficult for things to worsen, but i don't want to tempt fate. the title of this blog is a nod to the universality of the human condition and my failed attempt to express that idea to chinese university classmates. once upon a lifetime i spent a year at the training school for the chinese foreign service and so was immersed in political conversations about international affairs. one afternoon hanging out by the pingpong tables, i found myself making a pitch for the universal. i was arguing that we are all more alike than we are different, regardless of nationality or race or religion. “we’re all red on the inside,” i explained to blank stares. this image entirely failed. i was talking about blood and trying to speak poetically about our common humanity. my classmates thought that i was talking about communism. team universal: 0. team china: 1. i gave up then and went back to watching the pingpong. i feel as though obama is doing the same now. unfortunately, there's a lot more at stake.


*leaving aside for now the human rights issues that continue to dog us at home which further compromise america's discussion of human rights abroad. perhaps most distressing are those related to the so-called war on terror: guantanamo, extraordinary rendition, the shameful ruling last week undermining our own rule of law and denying maher arar due process: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/nyregion/03arar-web.html?scp=2&sq=maher%20arar&st=cse

creative day(s) in the northern capital

last night i went to the american ballet theatre's china premiere. it was simply exquisite. to be in the presence of such creativity, experiencing moments both tender and whimsical, was bliss. and the dancers were incredible - so precise, so moving. it was all just very finely wrought. i was filled with unbounded joy just to be living those moments and seeing such beauty. i am about to go back for a second night tonight! although the programs are different - last night was contemporary ballet, tonight is don quixote. still, i am thankful for dance. for all it has been in my life and continues to be.

watching last night's pieces and reflecting on them afterwards, i found myself struck by our endless flow of creativity and spirit. that we can ceaselessly gyre forward in our means of expression and art. and again i found myself i want to find myself closer to that widening gyre (in a positive sense). closer to creativity somehow. which of course requires discipline. something else that the dancers reminded me of. i have at times run my fingers through the idea of discipline as freedom. recently a lovely friend recalled for me a passage from 'a wrinkle in time', a favourite book of mine as a sweet young thing:

Mrs. Whatsit compares life to a sonnet:

"It is a very strict form of poetry is it not?

"There are fourteen lines, I believe, all in iambic pentameter. That's a very strict rhythm or meter, yes?

"And each line has to end with a rigid rhyme pattern. And if the poet does not do it exactly this way, it is not a sonnet, is it?"

Calvin: "You mean you're comparing our lives to a sonnet? A strict form, but freedom within it?"

"Yes. You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you."

such a charming way of circling around and into the discipline / freedom flow! i suspect that tonight's performance will be similarly inspiring.

in other news, i thought it quite noteworthy that obama's speech in japan was basically about china. it's a good thing the united states does not intend to "contain china"; the chinese keep the american economy float insofar as i understand these things and i doubt america could contain china even if it wanted to. a very clever strategy to mask your reliance / strategic weakness as magnanimity. once again, rhetoric to the rescue!

i also couldn't help but marvel at the strategic carpet the chinese threw down this morning, equating the situation with tibet with the american civil war and noting that obama, as a black president and an admirer of lincoln, should really understand their need to maintain control over tibet.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/14/world/asia/14beijing.html?scp=1&sq=china%20tibet%20civil%20war&st=cse

really, it's just too good. it seems that creativity abounds in the northern capital these days! not just on the stage at the national centre for performing arts.

dancing on the inside

in the weeks leading up to thanksgiving, i have decided to be grateful each day. akin to my borrowed love,love,love agenda (being open to falling in love with three things in life each day)*, i am aiming to start each day giving thanks for something. maybe these two projects are cousins who like to walk hand in hand and swing on the playground together. they are certainly related.

one thing i was not thankful for this morning, however, was the snow. yes, it is snowing again in beijing. this is the third big snowstorm since halloween! i just cannot believe that this is natural and am convince that the furious ballet of snowflakes i'm seeing out my window is courtesy of the weather modification office. i couldn't find any people's daily articles affirming that the last 'gift' of a storm was the result of modification. but there was thunder so loud i thought we were being bombed the night it began, which makes one wonder. aside from the eerily disturbing and strangely sinister idea that the government is tampering with the weather on a weekly basis, it's a bit of a logistical nightmare. this city is just not equipped to handle this much snow.

a recent article in the SCMP on the nightmarish conditions at the beijing airport during the first storm demonstrates this well. mind you, as per usual, you need to go outside of china to get the real story. local coverage commended the airport staff for handling the situation so smoothly. the article:

man-made chaos, but no man-made solution
*****************************************************

Source: South China Morning Post (11/9/09):
Wang Xiangwei

On the morning of November 1, when my parents set off for Beijing Capital
International Airport for a flight of less than three hours to Guangzhou,
little did they know they were about to face more than 30 hours of hell.

Both in their late 60s, they were stranded in the cold airport waiting area,
then boarded the aircraft, then were kicked off the jet back into the cold
waiting area. When they finally took off, it was the afternoon of the next
day, last Monday.

Like tens of thousands of passengers that day, they became hapless victims
of the massive man-made chaos triggered by a huge man-made snowstorm.
Ironically, highly respected Conde Nast Traveller magazine had just named
Beijing's one of the best 15 airports in the world for its layout and flight
information, among other things.

My parents' horrible experience says a lot about the mainland's
crisis-management mechanism, lack of co-ordination among government
departments and utter failure to put into practice the government's much
trumpeted motto of "putting the people first". The cash-rich mainland may
have the best facilities, including gleaming modern airports and new jumbo
jets, but its soft power, as projected in services, is still way off.

When my parents arrived at the airport more than an hour before the 11am
scheduled take-off of Air China flight 1315, the snow was already heavy. But
the airline's ground staff mentioned nothing about a potential delay and
checked them in.

Lacking the wisdom of frequent fliers, they then began a long wait in a cold
waiting area. They were given no food or drink, contrary to state media
reports of such a service provided to delayed passengers. And they were
stonewalled when seeking flight information.

At around 5pm, they were told their flight had been cancelled, and they were
bumped to another flight. Then they were taken by bus to a Boeing 747 along
with more than 300 other passengers. From 6pm to 2am, they sat in the plane
before being told the flight had been cancelled and they had to leave.
Confused, hungry and angry, my parents, along with other passengers, engaged
in intensive arguments with the airline ground staff, who refused to say
when the next flight would be available and would not take them to a hotel.

At 5am, the airline staff relented and put them on a bus to a hotel nearby.
Then my parents were told to get ready to meet a bus going back to the
airport at 8am, but the bus did not turn up until three hours later. They
finally managed to get a China Southern flight to Guangzhou at around 4.40pm
last Monday after more than 30 hours.

To their great dismay, one Beijing newspaper they read on the flight was
full of articles praising the airlines and airport staff for initiating
emergency systems and going out of their way to help stranded passengers. A
weather forecaster at the Air Traffic Management Bureau was quoted as saying
such an early snowfall had not been seen for 22 years, and it was totally
unexpected.

But it was not. According to the state media reports, the snowfall - which
dropped more than 16 million tonnes of snow on Beijing, delayed air travel
and left city residents shivering - was man-made. From 8pm on October 31 to
2am on November 1, the Beijing Weather Modification Office blasted 186
sticks of silver iodide into the clouds to induce snow to help ease the
drought in the city.

But the officials apparently failed to notify other departments, including
aviation authorities. A China Daily commentary fumed that "this arbitrary
government decision disregarded the interests of the people".

The Beijing weather office was not the only one. The airport and airlines
may have launched their own emergency management systems, but there appeared
to be little interdepartmental communication. The result was total chaos,
with little information available from anyone.

The bad service made the situation even worse. For instance, Air China
offers a toll-free hotline, which was understandably jammed that day, but in
this age of the internet, its website provided no updates on the status of
flights, leaving anxious passengers and relatives in the dark.

As well, even after the flights resumed on the afternoon of November 1,
airport controllers cleared the backlog of flights not according to the
length of their delays, but by the ranks of officials on board, according to
insiders.

A week has passed, and nobody has come forward to take responsibility or
apologise for the made-made chaos, let alone learn any lesson. Future chaos
can be reduced if Beijing learns from other countries by setting up an
interdepartmental task force to handle airport delays resulting from unusual
weather.

As the Beijing weather officials yesterday forecast more rain and snow on
the way today, and over the next few days, passengers need to brace
themselves.

**************

a friend who was travelling through beijing en route to wuhan that day spent 10.5 hours on a plane without food as they beijing airport staff struggled with the de-icing equipment and refused to feed the captive passengers. i am so thankful i arrived at the airport that afternoon, took one look, and left. perhaps my most brilliant decision this month.

whether any of these decisions to blanket beijing in snow are brilliant, alleged drought or not, remains to be seen. apparently the weather modification office finally admitted that today's snow is their doing, but had previously stated that tuesday's was 'natural': http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26335967-23109,00.html. i suppose that depends on what your definition of 'natural' is.

in this moment, i am thankful for warmth. i no longer have any urges to rush out and dance in this. instead i will be dancing on the inside (as always).

* borrowed from a lovely friend started a blog in the spirit of a poet she heard at a conference this spring. the poet said that in order to write poetry you must be open to falling in love at least three times a day. i love that concept! and my wonderful friend with her thoughtful blog: lovethreethings.blogspot.com.

as if long prepared, as if courageous

it's funny how emotion or memory can catch you unawares. such as when you are filling these pages with idle chatter about root vegetables or self-righteous rants about justice and then suddenly you remember that there is a huge hole in your heart at the moment. and you immediately want to write that. for writing it releases somehow. but then you don't want to write that for it is too personal and, overly open-hearted as i am, little trouble is not and i want to respect that. and besides i didn't start this blog to be another intelligent woman who only writes about her romantic woes. i suppose i had wanted to be substantive although to be honest there wasn't much of an agenda except to write. but perhaps it's time to step away from things personal and focus on justice and jiaozi once again. or step back entirely and finally take on one of the 12 creative writing project ideas i have dancing about. (note to self: something to do during the 12 days of xmas.) thankfully, i think that only my parents read this (hi!). as if long prepared, as if courageous, i am going to take my internal conversations offline and do the real work alone.

on conquering fears, connection, and happiness

there is a school of thought that suggests you should do one thing that scares you each day. i do not subscribe to said school. then again, i do not easily frighten. (or so i tell myself.) i do believe that you should continuously challenge yourself and expand your horizons. which is why i almost ended up in a leotard on a freezing wednesday night in an adult ballet class. oh, i was so prepared. this was a personal challenge i can been considering for some time. i had brought ballet shoes back from my last visit home. i had purchased the leotard last weekend. i had called the studio. i had made evening plans at 9:00 to enable me twirl away the time from 7:00 - 8:30. but there are challenges, and there is happiness. as i was leaving the office, struck by the bite of the cold air, thoughtful, i realized that the idea of changing into a leotard and attempting to dance tonight was not appealing. and that i was hungry. and that the classes would still be offered in the springtime. and that even though i hope that i will be able to find joy in dancing again, i didn't need to find it this week. so i went and ate a roasted sweet potato the size of my face instead. and was very happy with that choice. (eating a warm sweet potato while there is snow on the ground is somehow extra delicious!)

the women's lunch event i spoke at today was quite interesting insofar as it highlighted the importance of connection (and interconnectedness) and mentoring. the connection bit basically came from a fascinating chinese lawyer who had spent many years in the corporate law world, including 11 as the general counsel and then also a VP at a major US corporation in china. she left essentially to find meaning and now spends her time focusing on nature, tibet, the interconnectedness of people, and environmental issues. (if that sounds a little vague, it was.) she uses the connections from her past life to help her in these new endeavours at times and apparently still practices law occasionally. oh and she is also an artist. she just seemed much calmer than everyone else in the room. (and perhaps was subconsciously my inspiration for choosing happiness in the form of sweet potato sustenance this evening.) the mentoring discussion grew out of exchanges about making it professionally as women lawyers. (or just making it professionally at all.) i've long seen the value in mentoring, even if i don't always fully actualize it.

as evidenced by tonights decision not to dance, actualizing the visions of sugarplum faeries we have for ourselves is easier said than done.

rule of law is not market access

once upon a time there was the leader of a large american business association in beijing that was dedicated to expanding opportunities for and representing US corporate interests in china. in a cleverly opportunistic ploy timed to coincide with an impending visit by the US president, said leader wrote an op-ed piece in a major american newspaper using talk of the rule of law / legal developments in china in a thinly veiled effort to further to promote US corporate interests. his conflating of the rule of law and market access for / the economic interests of US corporates was infuriating to one humble human rights lawyer in beijing because it belittles and cheapens the concept of the rule of law and also the reasons that rule of law promotion is part of US foreign policy and should be something that the president raises on his trip. in a curious twist of fate, this lawyer was slated to give a lunch-time presentation at this large business association on the very day that she spent her morning commute fuming over this piece. happily ever after.

big surprise - the lawyer is me and the op-ed was by the president of amcham and it was published in the nytimes. ahem: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/11/opinion/11iht-edwatkins.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss (oh and i am speaking an at amcham event during lunch today. a program by the women's professional committee on 'women in legal affairs'. i am the public interest pony.)

what troubles me so much about this piece is that he twists around ideas about the rule of law to suit commercial purposes. the issue of chinese lawyers practicing at foreign firms is not a rule of law issue, but a market access issue. it is not something that is of concern to chinese lawyers (who can now receive comparable salaries and do comparable work at chinese firms) as it is to american law firms wanting to expand the scope of their practice in china. it also has nothing to do with the integrity of the chinese legal system. i acknowledge that there are significant economic rule of law issues to be addressed in china and that mr. watkins represents the business community. however, by focusing only on the commercial, he misrepresents the concept of the rule of law and the reasons why its promotion is a significant portion of US foreign policy. to ignore entirely the human rights and civil liberities issues that are central to rule of law work, while trying to stretch the concept to cover US corporate interests, is insulting. rule of law promotion can be an effective long-term antidote to poverty, conflict, endemic corruption, and disregard for human rights. these are all things that i believe amcham's members have an interest in, even if only because of the potential to improve their bottom line. perhaps i am too sensitive or too much of a rule of law purist, but i was offended by his article. would be curious to see what others think.

interestingly, i had dinner last night with two of china's leading environmentalist and a foundation person from HK who has been supporting work on water issues in china and is launching a new project aimed at investors. she was in town to participate in two programs on socially responsible investment and wanted to speak with us about supporting this new project. the goal (simply expressed) is to influence they way investors approach china and getting involved in companies or initatives that impact the water sector. we had a very interesting conversation. between that and reading the amcham op-ed this morning, i am struck anew at the need to get the business community onboard with a vision for a sustainable future. of course that will never happen until it becomes profitable. so, dear readers, how do we make that happen? and how do we make it happen before its too late? of course, there is growing momentum towards the development of 'green' industries and socially responsible investing. but that is still the fringe and a feel-good movement at the periphery, rather than the core, of commerce and investing. (i think partially because of the way flows of financial information are controlled.) if a sustainable approach could be mainstreamed, oh what a wonderful world.

and with that, i ought to go consider what i will say at this lunch event. i am still fighting off a lingering sickness (the second round of snow didn't help) and am realizing that i am ill much more here than i was before i moved to beijing. i am wondering if the pollution has an impact. it must. i will try not to snozzle too much while speaking.

impulses to bake and pontificate

three times in one day - i know. she's come undone! but in addition to my obsessive baking of late, i find that all i want to do today is write. write out my woes and overflows, much in the same way that i used to dance them into the dust or swim them to the sand. we moved offices. spending the afternoon sorting through my things - labeling folders, creating neat files, stacking - was so soothing. i feel organized. prepared(as if long prepared, as if corageous). and i realized that in my months here, i have created a space for myself and am pleased with some of what we have accomplished in that time. i am still learning, but i am also still engaged. and that is something to be thankful for. i am going to find something to be thankful for each day while i try to cope with this changed world. and give as much as i can. and bake and pontificate.

power of now

so of course, even as i was writing that beauty and joy await and was eating melancholy for breakfast along with my perfect coffee, dear friends surfaced. reminding me that beauty and joy abound in the present. in the here and now. a powerful reminder.

a world changed

i awoke to find a world changed. there is a deep blanket of unblemished snow stretching forward from my doorstep and tightly containing the world. quite lovely really. and almost appropriate. there was terrible, ominous thunder and lightning last night around midnight. at the time i was in the midst of a difficult conversation with little trouble and it was a curious accompaniment. the strain of distance was crashing all around us with the thunder, and we agreed to take some space and time to think and feel through things. but i awoke this morning and while staring at the snow*, realized that i do not know how to actualize this. how to find the necessary space and navigate this unfamiliar terrain. the white world reflected back at me didn't have any answers. and i'm not sure that i do yet either. i am sure, however, that difficult though this may be, we will both grow. and love.

of course it is all more subtle than that. and the snow is a simple concept to capture the strangeness that seems to be holding me this morning. mercifully we are moving offices this morning, so i was going to be working from home anyway. so i have the space at least to consider the subtler aspects of this not-a-separation and take stock of my heart. and i can stay in my pyjamas, drink too much coffee, enjoy the brightness of the morning light thanks to the snow, and listen to jazz.

making coffee was the one constant this morning. there is such solace in rituals. i think i love the ritual of making coffee - with my tidy french press, the crack of the tin, scoop of the grounds, the rush of the water, the waiting, the sweet nuttiness of catching the last drop of soy milk with my finger as i pour it, the swirl of it - perhaps more than drinking the coffee. each of those moments mattered this morning. each moment was a soft nudge towards the center of myself. i need to fully fall into that center and stay there for a spell. (for always?)

i am of course frightened (though i cringe even to give voice to that word because i usually feel as though i am afraid of nothing (toss of my cape bravely over my shoulder!!)) of being in this city alone. that is, without an emotional mooring of my heartstrings to someone who though distant, is close in spirit** and who is the shore to my oceanic passions and also my ocean. but perhaps this is what brought me to beijing in the first place. to fall into myself completely finally. confront that and other fears, learn to love my quirks and foibles, and relinquish the nonsensical and punishing quest for perfection that i seem to have been on for too many years now. and at many points along the way (just last tuesday, and yesterday, for example), i like to tell myself that i'm there. i will remind myself to 'be really whole and the world will come to you.' but you can't tell yourself to be really whole. you simply have to be it.

last night during the dramatic crashing and thrashing of the skies and then again this morning as i was gazing out at the beautiful, harsh, astringent white world unfurling from my doorstep, i was reminded of a mary oliver poem. (i again almost rushed outside it to embrace the coldness and feel deeply alive, but reason beat passion again so i stayed in the warmth.) ahem:

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

this is perhaps a bit much for the present situation, and might sound melancholy, but i see it now as a reminder that all i can do is be my best self, fall into the center, be really whole. i think what i appreciate most about the idea of 'the journey' at this point in my life is accepting that we need one. and that it never ends. trust, wholeness, self-knowledge, acceptance, clarity, love - they do not come easily. they need to be earned. but the effort - that work - even the brokenhearted sobbing in the corner*** bits, are necessary and enabling. it is in those vulnerable moments when we come closest to ourselves. to the divine. to faith. and which allow our hearts to open further. so this too shall pass - the snow, the ache, the caffeine buzz. but i will not rush through. i know that great beauty and joy are waiting. (they always are.)


* why am i relating my emotional landscape to the weather so much these days?!? is it just more of my overly emotive nature / efforts to see connections everywhere? query.

** channeling goethe: "the world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities; but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and though distant, is close to us in spirit - this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden."

*** i prefer crying in corners when i can. not sure why.

of angels and afterglow

my yoga practice this morning was disrupted by a swift and startling hail storm. it arrived so suddenly. it was overwhelming and fierce and gorgeous. the universe's hurling reminder to live to the point of tears, to pay attention, to be really whole and let the world come to you. or at least that's how i interpreted it. i stopped my practice and ran to the into to watch it pound us with perspective. i contemplated dancing in it, celebrating it somehow - life's secret outpouring (outpouring of life's secrets?) at 6:58 am. but reason (dancing in a hail storm in yoga clothes would likely bring my cold back) won over passion (dance!). for some reason, writing this is reminding me of one of my favourite brian andreas quotes - "most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life". angels appear in all sorts of unexpected places.

speaking of unexpected places, i found myself translating an interview about china, nationalism, and identity with mao's secretary. for real. he's 90, but still very lucid, thoughtful and engaging. he was sporting the elder comrade commifabulous modern mao suit, think glasses and a shock of white hair. we met in the gui bing lou of the beijing hotel and after our meeting his black sedan with white plates (=party member) was waiting to escort him back to his flat which i realized afterwards must be in zhongnanhai (the compound for the party leadership) and explains why we couldn't meet him there. the circumstances of how i ended up translating for two millenials** is frankly insulting. and the girls themselves were less than inspiring. (aside: they want to take me to dinner to thank me for my time / doing their homework for them, but i don't think i care to spend anymore time attempting to connect with them. once upon a lifetime, a former self was willing to endure dull conversation for good, free meals (that was called "dating"). but i'm no longer willing to waste precious time (hailstorm! tempus fugit! don't sacrifice!) just for the sake of a nice meal. of course, my courtesy will likely win out in the end and i will probably go to dinner with these gals and try to be kind and see the good in them. for luckily i've found that i can see the good in just about everyone.) circumstances aside, i was intrigued by the opportunity to meet this man and here his perspective on the 60 years of the PRC. he started off in yen'an during the japanese resistance movement, found himself as mao's secretary, was disgraced, imprisoned and tortured during the cultural revolution (& wrote about about it), and was then redeemed by deng xiaopeng. (ahh, to have fallen from grace and to have been rescued by a multi-coloured cat!) he was thoughtful about china's past (and said he thought mao got arrogant after the nation was formally established, but i think he was being polite and towing the party line, while honestly had more critical things to say about the great helmsman.) the millenial and her roommate asked obvious, not particularly probing questions. and they didn't show - or weren't prepared to show - the level of respect i think the circumstances dictated (look up how to say "it's an honour to meet you" or ask me in advance). i inserted the appropriate niceties as best i could. because i did think it was an honour to meet him. i am fortunate enough to have two grandmothers in their 90s and feel that i have so much to learn from people who have seen so much.

though i still have much to learn, i feel as though i am getting closer to mastering the dinner party. i made my mum's vegetarian chilli yesterday (secret to the deliciousness: raisins, cashews, beer!) and had some friends over for dinner. i also, because i am an obsessive baker these days (what is that about?!?) made wholewheat honey bread to go with it. and oatmeal raisin cranberry dark chocolate chunk cookies. somehow it all just came together very nicely - the food, the company, the feeling. (the music was a little odd, but my ipod is strangely possessed. also, little trouble has tampered with it a lot.) it felt liberating in a curious way. i love feeding people. and i love bringing people together. but in some corner of my mind i think i still associated dinner parties with something i would do with a partner (and have done so only when little trouble is in town in the past). and i don't have completely matching tableware or such, but am clearly not getting married and likely to get it anytime soon. but i realized in the warm afterglow of saying goodnight as the guests stepped off into the crisp cold and i turned to the soapy warmth of washing up to loud music and the last sips of my wine, that it's not about a partner or plates. that i can create community and spread love on my own. and indeed, have been doing so for many years (always?) without realizing it. it was a nice quiet realization. especially because i have been feeling a bit burned by the distance lately and a little troubled about things with little trouble. but i am tired of trembling with the strain of worrying too much or trying not to worry. so am just living my life, looking for love and joy each day and finding angels in hailstorms. i finally feel as though i am building a real life here, and am enjoying that. i only wish that little trouble could be a part of it. and i hope we find a way to be in the same place before the distance becomes toxic (if it is not already).

on a more positive note, i am concluding this day marveling at how life can unfold, content after a meal with a friend, and full of poetry and possibility. i'm not sure that angels could ask for anything more.


**my preferred term for the current crop of college students, recent graduates, and even law students who just seem to not have much of a clue and have a sense of entitlement that is frankly frightening. i confess this is something i may have something of a soapbox about. it just always baffles me. who do these kids think they are? and why does it seem that there is little to no conversation about, for example, how to approach an internship proactively and consider your role as adding value to and learning from the employer? why does the emphasis always seem to be about what the intern expects to gain and not what s/he hopes to contribute or add? there is a real selfishness that i've observed in young people perhaps half a generation behind me. it's always shocking. in this case, it was particularly so. the coed who called me to do this (confession: yes, i just wanted to use the term 'coed' and yes i know it's ridiculous) is the daughter of a woman who is basically on the board of my ngo and who has deep connections in china. the board member's parents (millienial's grandparents) had a connection with mao's secretary and his family. millienial and her roommate are both in beijing studying this year (incidentally at the same university my brother taught at years ago which has a soft spot in my heart because his time in china really marked the blossoming of our relationship which is something i truly cherish). as part of their program they are taking a 'chinese culture' class (taught in english) and they had an assignment to interview a chinese person about nationalism and the 60th anniversary and all that jazz. millenial and roommate decided they wanted to interview wang zhongfang, mao's secretary. she had her mother send me and my partner-in-crime (maybe i should call her my work wife? i had a work husband once (my comrade and go-to for emotional support at the office; i still call him that), but in this case it's an even more apt description) an urgent email asking us to help her. these two basically can't speak any comprehensible chinese even though they've been studying the language for more than a year at an ivy league university plus three months in beijing. so i had to call this respected elder statesman and arrange the interview and then take them there and then basically conduct the interview - he couldn't understand their questions and they couldn't understand his responses. it was an interesting exercise in simultaneous translation for me. but, as i was reflecting on the fact that a board member thought this an appropriate request to make or that her daughter thought it an appropriate use of her mother's connection, i realized that it all smacked of what drives me crazy about certain millenials. she would have had a broader learning experience if she had had to stand on her own two feet and find someone she could actually speak to (it's not exactly hard to find a chinese person to talk to in beijing), rather than fall back on privilege and mummy's guanxi (connections). but that's just it - the millenial essence. this sense of entitlement or idea that the entire world can bend to satisfy your whims rather than being satisfied with doing what you can do on your own. then again, i contributed to that idea by disrupting my work week to help her. but did i have a choice given her mother's position in my ngo?

everything in excess

so, once upon a lifetime when i was turning 30 some sweet friends wrote a birthday poem that they read as a toast. it was also a rather amusing roast as they had incorporated a number of my nonsensical facebook status updates. among them was "moderation is overrated". i used to say i did everything in excess, that i was happy to live to the point of tears. and while i think i'm calmer now, i realize in unguarded moments that i think i still live with that passion.

my previous post was clearly an example of thinking too much. i was contemplating my overthinking (i know, sigh) while running on the treadmill (another sigh, but the air is too bad to run outside) the other day. i became distracted when the sports news came on and found myself getting all teary over the world series and matsui being the first japanese-born player to be named MVP. seriously. i often get teary over sports. not because i care about the games, but because of the vulnerability of it all - the raw emotion and camaraderie and human connection. professional sports for me are just nicely contained narrative arcs of challenges being overcome, hearts swelling (and often beautiful people). but all athletic events have me over-emoting. i have never watched the nyc marathon without sobbing. and not so much for my amazing friends who have finished the race, but for the sheer humanity of it. watching strangers streaming pass, lost in the their own personal crucibles in this very collective way, i am just overwhelmed with feeling. i used to cry at my sister's high school volleyball games over the way the teammates supported each other. the high-fives always did me in. (she eventually politely requested that i get a grip or stop coming.) as i was trying not to loose my balance on the treadmill, teary-eyed during the bbc world sport segment, distracted from my analyzing my overthinking, i realized that i am probably also guilty of overfeeling. and if that is not a word, it should be.

i sometimes wonder if being sensitive is a good quality. ("being sensitive" might be one appropriate way to describe me. others might include soppy, crazy, or simply open-hearted. actually, i like open-hearted. that about sums it up.) i spent the last two days at a really interested conference of chinese social scientists on health, environment and development. i learned a tremendous amount and it will really help us with a social policy advocacy project we have focusing on environmental health. one of the sessions was devoted to issues of livestock practices, animal diseases, the impact on human health and development. obviously, we were focused on china. the presentations were, in a word, alarming. they may have fully convinced me to become vegetarian again.(something i have been toying with already for ethical / environmental reasons. i have already basically given up seafood because i just can't in good conscience eat fish when aware of the havoc wreaked by the fishing industry.) at lunch, i expected at least a few others to feel the same way. and i asked, but no one else was responding as deeply as i was. they transitioned straight from the little pigsty of horrors presentation to happily lunching on pork. my sensitive self couldn't take it.

i am still continuing to cook and contemplate justice. (aside from abstaining from meat, i really worry about how environmental health issues will play out here and am trying to educate myself enough so that our project may be a meaningful drop of water thrown at that savage sea.) this morning: oatmeal raisin cranberry dark chocolate chunk cookies (dark chocolate is a health food). tomorrow: my mum's vegetarian chilli and wholewheat honey bread. i think am hoping to direct all my excess thought and emotion into something tangible, nourishing. rather than let my thoughts eat away at me. turn them into oven-baked open-hearted goodness i can share. i suppose it's a healthy approach....

forget regrets, or life is yours to miss

my father once had me write a letter to my future self, address an envelope and everything. i believe i was eight when i wrote it and he sent it to me when i was ten or eleven. in the letter, i told myself of my hopes and my dreams, my great expectations for us. enough time had passed by the time he posted it that i had no memory of having written it and did not recognize my own handwriting. i remember that i was actually well into reading it before i realized that it was from me. and then i was surprised, for i had thought it was from a forgotten friend. but i suppose, in a way, that it was.

for some reason i have lately been yearning to receive such a letter from my future self. or i have been thinking about what i would say to my younger self. i'm not sure which self exactly - of five years ago, or three, or yesterday. but more than wanting to write to my past jumble of selves, i want my future self, glorious friend that she is, to write to me now as i am stuck in this moment of my life. i know she would be full of good advice and kind words (and i may even be able to channel them if i try hard enough which is perhaps why i have been contemplating writing to my younger selves). and she would be funny, and kind, and smile at all of my to-ing and fro-ing and overthinking. i realize, perhaps now in this very moment for the first time, that being back in beijing has prompted a great deal of reflection on the woman i have become, and where i am going. it is almost coming full circle to be in this city again. my most formative years were here and it is where i started to grow up - to transition from being a girl to being a woman - and where some innocence was lost - both tragically and less so - and some perspective gained - of all sorts. i wonder if this is the city where i will complete this process. (insofar as i ever intend to fully grow up, that is. if it means you can't believe in faeries or breakfast desert, forget about it.)

[ironically, this was to be the post in which i stopped trying to write about china.]

i find myself at once consumed with broad questions of being and small minutiae of practicalities almost daily. i find it easier to focus on the latter. never have i taken such pride in washing the dishes, putting clutter in its place, ordering my books, shuffling the sock drawer. and i have a strange urge to bake. today's endeavour - wholewheat pomegranate ginger bread - which somehow also involved my attempting to make my own crystallized ginger. the challenges of sugar and fresh ginger, socks and soapy forks seem so satisfyingly surmountable. and yet, even as i am up to my elbow in batter or bookshelves, the broader questions remain. will it always be this way? and, what precisely are those broader questions?

maybe the reason i want a letter from my future self is to answer those questions. i want her to tell me that one day i will get there - wherever it is i am meant to be. but she will also likely tell me that it is not so different from where i am now. and the small fragments that make up a person won't have changed much. i will still laugh with dogs in the street, and have a glass of wine more than i ought to on occasion. i will still not be as stylish as i'd like, and reflect the emotions of actors and dancers on my face or in my body as i watch movies or performances. i will still probably be too emotionally open when i first meet people and not have a sufficient attention span to ever be any good at cards. so what will be different?

what is the star's pin that i somehow think will tie all of my ends together? i know better now than to think it's marriage. i do not see that as a magic bullet. i also know better than to think it's career. for wonderful as it is to love what you do, work alone is not enough. maybe it's the appropriate balance. perhaps it is faith. but that much i know is true already. perhaps it is simply patience. appreciating that the balance will always be shifting and is a fine one and the best i can do is appreciate the unexpected beauty and joy that life offers each day if only we look for it.

what would the letter say?

- don't take everything so seriously. everything will work out. laugh more. smile at strangers. take risks. don't be afraid of anything.
- just be mattie. and don't worry about what others think or do. let go of trying to please everyone and just be the best person you can be.
- be a friend to yourself (always and in the moment, not just in letters). you will need that.
- accept that you are not perfect / that you are perfect as you are.
- but challenge yourself to think expansively, love deeply, experience richly, question widely, and live to the point of tears.
- forget regrets, or life is yours to miss (ok, that's from rent)
- do not define yourself in terms of a man / your relationship.
- but do not deny your romantic nature.
- appearances matter very little.
- notice and revel in the small moments, the subtle, quiet day to day. it matters more than the grand gestures.
- never shy a way from a chance to express love.
- be thankful.
- learn to cook.
- forgive easily - yourself and others.
- exercise regularly - it keeps you happy and healthy.
- be wary of easy answers and absolute authority.
- don't settle. and don't compromise your principles.
- believe.

so this has been a nice kathartic ramble. but illuminating for me in a small sense. in a way, i feel as though being back here is part of an ongoing conversation i have with china (or with myself in relation to china). a conversation that i can only have in beijing - the city in which i have lived the longest and yet which will never be home. i think i need to be here long enough this time to finish the conversation. and not rush that process.

a 'gift' of snow

for the first time ever on halloween, the weather seemed to be coordinated with my costume. a friend and i were 'little white lies', which involved dressing all in white (including faces and hair (which was a curious preview of what i'll look like in my 70s!)) and bedecking ourselves in 'lies' (they included: "it's not you, it's me", "i'll call you tomorrow", "dark chocolate is a health food", "i'm 29", "i'm almost there, 5 mins", "that dress looks great on you!", etc). we looked fantastic, even if it took people a few minutes to sort it out.... little white lies began falling from the sky around midnight on all hallow's eve, a highly unusual occurrence. it had been quite warm in beijing in the preceding weeks and snow, which is itself rare, very rarely falls in november in the northern capital. it was so unusual it seemed, well, unnatural, pleased as i was that it matched my costume.

the snowflakes were, in fact, little white lies. the snow was induced by the beijing weather modification office in order to combat beijing's "lingering drought. the office seeded the clouds starting at 8 pm on saturday using "186 doses of silver iodide". the snow kept up through the night was falling nearly all day on sunday. this was also serious snow - thick flakes with staying power such that the city was properly blanketed. i have never seen so much snow in beijing. it was beautiful to watch fall, although attempting to fly out of beijing that afternoon was less beautiful. (i am still in beijing and ill. sigh.)

the beijing airport was insanity that day. although the people's daily online had a more positive spin, noting that "the snow brought unexpected fun and joy to tourists in beijing". the same article did concede, however, that beijing might find it challenging to handle the "more the 16 million tonnes of artificially added snow". the paper observed, "the snow, which local media called a 'gift', however, is expected to bring troubles to the city's traffic". but we can all overlook a little duche (traffic) for the gift of a white halloween!

when i searched online to confirm my suspicion that the snow was unnatural and stumbled across this article, i couldn't help but smile. it's kind of surreal to watch the snowflakes fall in a freezing flat (the heat in beijing isn't turned on until nov. 15th, although thankfully they turned it on by sunday night!) in the capital of a country with a 'weather modification office' where the main paper can dictate the conclusions of the local media. i just suddenly felt as though i was in a novel or curious short story, a feeling that was exacerbated as i was unable to get any information via phone or even in person at the airport about when or whether my flight was going to take off.

falling snow makes me thoughtful. and as i contemplated it, i realized that this is the city i have lived in longest on this earth. and yet, it is not home. or cannot be. i realize that my commitment to being here this time around is perhaps not complete. because i only think of it as "for now" or for a few years. or perhaps more accurately because i am still struggling to find a real community here. or perhaps even more accurately because something of the messy, complex, scrappy beijing of my childhood has been lost in this new, shiny metropolis. and i miss the unsophistication and the innocence of that china. convenient as life here has now become, it's less fun somehow. or maybe that's just because i don't have the appropriate people to share it with. that being said, i am so fortunate to have such wonderful colleagues and to be able to do such compelling work. work is, of course, not enough. but it will have to be for now. i also keep wanting to pick up one of the 12 writing projects i have squirreled away in various corners of my mind and on my laptop. but i have a hard time knowing where to begin. (the trick, of course, is simply beginning.)

the 'gift' of this snow has at least forced me to slow down. i never did make my flight and ended up canceling my trip as the cold weather finally gave the cold / cough i was fighting off a chance to completely floor me. being sick and stuck at home is also good for contemplation. or perhaps it's not. i'm rather fuzzy-headed and, let's be honest, probably do too much thinking.....