forget regrets, or life is yours to miss

my father once had me write a letter to my future self, address an envelope and everything. i believe i was eight when i wrote it and he sent it to me when i was ten or eleven. in the letter, i told myself of my hopes and my dreams, my great expectations for us. enough time had passed by the time he posted it that i had no memory of having written it and did not recognize my own handwriting. i remember that i was actually well into reading it before i realized that it was from me. and then i was surprised, for i had thought it was from a forgotten friend. but i suppose, in a way, that it was.

for some reason i have lately been yearning to receive such a letter from my future self. or i have been thinking about what i would say to my younger self. i'm not sure which self exactly - of five years ago, or three, or yesterday. but more than wanting to write to my past jumble of selves, i want my future self, glorious friend that she is, to write to me now as i am stuck in this moment of my life. i know she would be full of good advice and kind words (and i may even be able to channel them if i try hard enough which is perhaps why i have been contemplating writing to my younger selves). and she would be funny, and kind, and smile at all of my to-ing and fro-ing and overthinking. i realize, perhaps now in this very moment for the first time, that being back in beijing has prompted a great deal of reflection on the woman i have become, and where i am going. it is almost coming full circle to be in this city again. my most formative years were here and it is where i started to grow up - to transition from being a girl to being a woman - and where some innocence was lost - both tragically and less so - and some perspective gained - of all sorts. i wonder if this is the city where i will complete this process. (insofar as i ever intend to fully grow up, that is. if it means you can't believe in faeries or breakfast desert, forget about it.)

[ironically, this was to be the post in which i stopped trying to write about china.]

i find myself at once consumed with broad questions of being and small minutiae of practicalities almost daily. i find it easier to focus on the latter. never have i taken such pride in washing the dishes, putting clutter in its place, ordering my books, shuffling the sock drawer. and i have a strange urge to bake. today's endeavour - wholewheat pomegranate ginger bread - which somehow also involved my attempting to make my own crystallized ginger. the challenges of sugar and fresh ginger, socks and soapy forks seem so satisfyingly surmountable. and yet, even as i am up to my elbow in batter or bookshelves, the broader questions remain. will it always be this way? and, what precisely are those broader questions?

maybe the reason i want a letter from my future self is to answer those questions. i want her to tell me that one day i will get there - wherever it is i am meant to be. but she will also likely tell me that it is not so different from where i am now. and the small fragments that make up a person won't have changed much. i will still laugh with dogs in the street, and have a glass of wine more than i ought to on occasion. i will still not be as stylish as i'd like, and reflect the emotions of actors and dancers on my face or in my body as i watch movies or performances. i will still probably be too emotionally open when i first meet people and not have a sufficient attention span to ever be any good at cards. so what will be different?

what is the star's pin that i somehow think will tie all of my ends together? i know better now than to think it's marriage. i do not see that as a magic bullet. i also know better than to think it's career. for wonderful as it is to love what you do, work alone is not enough. maybe it's the appropriate balance. perhaps it is faith. but that much i know is true already. perhaps it is simply patience. appreciating that the balance will always be shifting and is a fine one and the best i can do is appreciate the unexpected beauty and joy that life offers each day if only we look for it.

what would the letter say?

- don't take everything so seriously. everything will work out. laugh more. smile at strangers. take risks. don't be afraid of anything.
- just be mattie. and don't worry about what others think or do. let go of trying to please everyone and just be the best person you can be.
- be a friend to yourself (always and in the moment, not just in letters). you will need that.
- accept that you are not perfect / that you are perfect as you are.
- but challenge yourself to think expansively, love deeply, experience richly, question widely, and live to the point of tears.
- forget regrets, or life is yours to miss (ok, that's from rent)
- do not define yourself in terms of a man / your relationship.
- but do not deny your romantic nature.
- appearances matter very little.
- notice and revel in the small moments, the subtle, quiet day to day. it matters more than the grand gestures.
- never shy a way from a chance to express love.
- be thankful.
- learn to cook.
- forgive easily - yourself and others.
- exercise regularly - it keeps you happy and healthy.
- be wary of easy answers and absolute authority.
- don't settle. and don't compromise your principles.
- believe.

so this has been a nice kathartic ramble. but illuminating for me in a small sense. in a way, i feel as though being back here is part of an ongoing conversation i have with china (or with myself in relation to china). a conversation that i can only have in beijing - the city in which i have lived the longest and yet which will never be home. i think i need to be here long enough this time to finish the conversation. and not rush that process.