still point

i have been feeling lately as though i am at an invisible precipice of some kind. not in the sense of being in peril, but in the sense that i suspect my life will look dramatically different in the not so distant future in ways that i cannot at this time foresee or fathom. i sometimes see myself wandering amid the clouds at some very high cliff somewhere. a sense of being at this overhang has been especially prevalent in dreams of late, but this feeling also comes over me as i'm walking down the street or waiting in line at the airport. i don't know what the change will be, and whether it will be positive or negative or some combination thereof. (though of course it is always a combination thereof and being a wide-eyed optimist at heart, i can only think things will only get better. they always do.)

i only recently acknowledged this feeling over being on the verge of something, although i suppose i have been writing quite a bit about wanting to move ahead and look back at my present self with a contented, compassionate smile or to receive a letter from my future self. i even tried to write that letter. [bad blogger confession: i haven't expended the time or energy to determine how to link back to other posts / thoughts, otherwise i would do so now. mea culpa.] incidentally, the desire to fast forward has nothing to do with the brave new world of us-china relations on human rights obama and hu have just ushered in that i wrote about earlier. and it is not an expression of discontent in the present.

to the contrary, i am feeling very calm with where i am at the moment. in spite of some of the large question marks in my life at the moment. [although perhaps there is only one, rather pressing, most important question mark.] i am contented with observing and watching how things unfold, loving and giving as best i can. (it's the only way to live!) and i am not afraid of these impending changes i am imagining once i leap off my invisible precipice and into the clouds. i am quite sure that the clouds will catch me. or rather that i will catch myself. or have no need to be caught.

most of us spend a great deal of our time stressing out about changes. (i have been guilty of this myself. probably for many lifetimes.) the curious aspect of that is that change is our only constant. impermanence our only permanence. accepting that, and letting go. not grasping is the deepest lesson i have learned. and one that i often need to re-teach myself. it is so easy to get caught up in grasping! and once you are caught up in it, it is nearly impossible to realize that your hold on something is much more tenuous when you are grasping it. as you as you loosen your fingers, it can slip away. whereas if you don't grasp, but keep an open palm, you can securely hold something resting on the palm of your hand.

my ba recently sent me a 'glimpse of the day' that recalls this concept:

Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.

Just as when the waves lash at the shore, the rocks suffer no damage but are sculpted and eroded into beautiful shapes, so our characters can be molded and our rough edges worn smooth by changes. Through weathering changes, we can learn how to develop a gentle but unshakable composure. Our confidence in ourselves grows, and becomes so much greater that goodness and compassion begin naturally to radiate out from us and bring joy to others.

That goodness is what survives death, a fundamental goodness that is in each and every one of us. The whole of our life is a teaching of how to uncover that strong goodness, and a training toward realizing it.

****

ok, so that thought takes it a step further than i did here. but i'm not enlightened yet. i suppose i will just have to be patient and see where this imaginary leap will lead me. (or whether in fact it is all my own melodrama and there are no great changes on the horizon.) i do like the idea of realizing our fundamental goodness as our life's teaching. no matter what happens, i hope that i will progress further along that path. for not, i am going to stay calm while i am at this still point.