of angels and afterglow

my yoga practice this morning was disrupted by a swift and startling hail storm. it arrived so suddenly. it was overwhelming and fierce and gorgeous. the universe's hurling reminder to live to the point of tears, to pay attention, to be really whole and let the world come to you. or at least that's how i interpreted it. i stopped my practice and ran to the into to watch it pound us with perspective. i contemplated dancing in it, celebrating it somehow - life's secret outpouring (outpouring of life's secrets?) at 6:58 am. but reason (dancing in a hail storm in yoga clothes would likely bring my cold back) won over passion (dance!). for some reason, writing this is reminding me of one of my favourite brian andreas quotes - "most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life". angels appear in all sorts of unexpected places.

speaking of unexpected places, i found myself translating an interview about china, nationalism, and identity with mao's secretary. for real. he's 90, but still very lucid, thoughtful and engaging. he was sporting the elder comrade commifabulous modern mao suit, think glasses and a shock of white hair. we met in the gui bing lou of the beijing hotel and after our meeting his black sedan with white plates (=party member) was waiting to escort him back to his flat which i realized afterwards must be in zhongnanhai (the compound for the party leadership) and explains why we couldn't meet him there. the circumstances of how i ended up translating for two millenials** is frankly insulting. and the girls themselves were less than inspiring. (aside: they want to take me to dinner to thank me for my time / doing their homework for them, but i don't think i care to spend anymore time attempting to connect with them. once upon a lifetime, a former self was willing to endure dull conversation for good, free meals (that was called "dating"). but i'm no longer willing to waste precious time (hailstorm! tempus fugit! don't sacrifice!) just for the sake of a nice meal. of course, my courtesy will likely win out in the end and i will probably go to dinner with these gals and try to be kind and see the good in them. for luckily i've found that i can see the good in just about everyone.) circumstances aside, i was intrigued by the opportunity to meet this man and here his perspective on the 60 years of the PRC. he started off in yen'an during the japanese resistance movement, found himself as mao's secretary, was disgraced, imprisoned and tortured during the cultural revolution (& wrote about about it), and was then redeemed by deng xiaopeng. (ahh, to have fallen from grace and to have been rescued by a multi-coloured cat!) he was thoughtful about china's past (and said he thought mao got arrogant after the nation was formally established, but i think he was being polite and towing the party line, while honestly had more critical things to say about the great helmsman.) the millenial and her roommate asked obvious, not particularly probing questions. and they didn't show - or weren't prepared to show - the level of respect i think the circumstances dictated (look up how to say "it's an honour to meet you" or ask me in advance). i inserted the appropriate niceties as best i could. because i did think it was an honour to meet him. i am fortunate enough to have two grandmothers in their 90s and feel that i have so much to learn from people who have seen so much.

though i still have much to learn, i feel as though i am getting closer to mastering the dinner party. i made my mum's vegetarian chilli yesterday (secret to the deliciousness: raisins, cashews, beer!) and had some friends over for dinner. i also, because i am an obsessive baker these days (what is that about?!?) made wholewheat honey bread to go with it. and oatmeal raisin cranberry dark chocolate chunk cookies. somehow it all just came together very nicely - the food, the company, the feeling. (the music was a little odd, but my ipod is strangely possessed. also, little trouble has tampered with it a lot.) it felt liberating in a curious way. i love feeding people. and i love bringing people together. but in some corner of my mind i think i still associated dinner parties with something i would do with a partner (and have done so only when little trouble is in town in the past). and i don't have completely matching tableware or such, but am clearly not getting married and likely to get it anytime soon. but i realized in the warm afterglow of saying goodnight as the guests stepped off into the crisp cold and i turned to the soapy warmth of washing up to loud music and the last sips of my wine, that it's not about a partner or plates. that i can create community and spread love on my own. and indeed, have been doing so for many years (always?) without realizing it. it was a nice quiet realization. especially because i have been feeling a bit burned by the distance lately and a little troubled about things with little trouble. but i am tired of trembling with the strain of worrying too much or trying not to worry. so am just living my life, looking for love and joy each day and finding angels in hailstorms. i finally feel as though i am building a real life here, and am enjoying that. i only wish that little trouble could be a part of it. and i hope we find a way to be in the same place before the distance becomes toxic (if it is not already).

on a more positive note, i am concluding this day marveling at how life can unfold, content after a meal with a friend, and full of poetry and possibility. i'm not sure that angels could ask for anything more.


**my preferred term for the current crop of college students, recent graduates, and even law students who just seem to not have much of a clue and have a sense of entitlement that is frankly frightening. i confess this is something i may have something of a soapbox about. it just always baffles me. who do these kids think they are? and why does it seem that there is little to no conversation about, for example, how to approach an internship proactively and consider your role as adding value to and learning from the employer? why does the emphasis always seem to be about what the intern expects to gain and not what s/he hopes to contribute or add? there is a real selfishness that i've observed in young people perhaps half a generation behind me. it's always shocking. in this case, it was particularly so. the coed who called me to do this (confession: yes, i just wanted to use the term 'coed' and yes i know it's ridiculous) is the daughter of a woman who is basically on the board of my ngo and who has deep connections in china. the board member's parents (millienial's grandparents) had a connection with mao's secretary and his family. millienial and her roommate are both in beijing studying this year (incidentally at the same university my brother taught at years ago which has a soft spot in my heart because his time in china really marked the blossoming of our relationship which is something i truly cherish). as part of their program they are taking a 'chinese culture' class (taught in english) and they had an assignment to interview a chinese person about nationalism and the 60th anniversary and all that jazz. millenial and roommate decided they wanted to interview wang zhongfang, mao's secretary. she had her mother send me and my partner-in-crime (maybe i should call her my work wife? i had a work husband once (my comrade and go-to for emotional support at the office; i still call him that), but in this case it's an even more apt description) an urgent email asking us to help her. these two basically can't speak any comprehensible chinese even though they've been studying the language for more than a year at an ivy league university plus three months in beijing. so i had to call this respected elder statesman and arrange the interview and then take them there and then basically conduct the interview - he couldn't understand their questions and they couldn't understand his responses. it was an interesting exercise in simultaneous translation for me. but, as i was reflecting on the fact that a board member thought this an appropriate request to make or that her daughter thought it an appropriate use of her mother's connection, i realized that it all smacked of what drives me crazy about certain millenials. she would have had a broader learning experience if she had had to stand on her own two feet and find someone she could actually speak to (it's not exactly hard to find a chinese person to talk to in beijing), rather than fall back on privilege and mummy's guanxi (connections). but that's just it - the millenial essence. this sense of entitlement or idea that the entire world can bend to satisfy your whims rather than being satisfied with doing what you can do on your own. then again, i contributed to that idea by disrupting my work week to help her. but did i have a choice given her mother's position in my ngo?